I thank you Mama Connie for your lavish meals and all the risks you take in the kitchen.  Thank you for passing the apron strings down to your son.  Zander has been setting Ender up at his own meal making station when he is in the kitchen cooking.  Above, Ender mixes his ingredients that made this budding chef a household name: Pepper, Salt and Flour. 
After mixing, pouring, sloshing, stirring, sprinkling and so forth, Zander put it on the stove to simmer for 2 minuets.  He encouraged Ender to taste his dish.  Ender did.  Ender winced with disgust and Ender washed it down with some water.  Too much Pepper Ender! 

On our walk one evening, Ender collected mesquite pods and then he got to grind them in our pestle and mortar.  This was my favorite thing to do as a kid at the Botanical Gardens on the Plants and People of the Sonoran Desert Trail.  :) I love the crushing sound.  Gritty and smooth.

It has occurred to me that I have been mourning the "passing" of baby ender.   I'm trying hard to ply the rose colored glasses off my eyes; they are muddling the sleepless nights, the unexplainable crying, the every two hour nursings, the strict nap schedules, the tip toeing around the house when he finally fell asleep... But baby ender also carries with him our first beloved home, the catalyst for a marital growth spurt, and of course his beautiful innocent baby self. 

Or it seems like, although I'm a mere almost 30, that I have lived a hundreds of lifetimes.  Each season with its set of songs, smells, feelings, relationships,
 lessons... Maybe I am just experiencing Ender's first handful of seasons and its giving me some heart ache. 

Last summer he all of sudden discovered that his brain is not operated by me, I was trying for so long to keep that illusion going...alas!  Mutiny on the ship. Ender has jumped overboard and acquired his own boat. The little narcissist is now trying to besiege my ship, however.   It was a surprise attack.  I was bewildered and resisted and reacted with much confusion. 
But now I realize what is going on and I need to act accordingly.  I remain captain and he can putter around in the great ocean tethered to my ship until its time.  By God's grace the boy is growing and needs to test his oars out.  Let it be. 
I just think the transition has been through choppy waters. (plainly, the terrible twos)  There is also a new crew member on board :)  I'm sure that shivered his timbers. 

Baby Ender 7 months.

Whatever things are lovely

Mornings are the hardest time of day for me.  It seems they have always been.  Today, with kiddos at home, it often is harder.  I don't always have a chance to be around other people to distract me from the unexplainable gloom.  Or I can't get lost in a book or get in the car and just drive. 
Whenever I am feeling sad, angry, frustrated, confused or some other emotion that can warp reality, Zander does a real good job of speaking truth into my life.

"....whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things."

Thinking is a good exercise, and when the world is shouting at you, sometimes you have to shout back. For me this is turning on the music right when I wake up that sings of whatever things are true.

"Its hard to dance with the devil on you back, so shake him off"  I can't sing this line without crying.  Its so powerful.  
There is power in our words. God spoke and behold  bio synthesis, electricity, deoxyribonucleic acid.  Not to mention this guy!  I believe God empowers us to speak and so shape our world.  It can go either way.

When Cora was a newborn, she was just a spud.  Not much to the gal except some bad gas from 8-11pm every night and I was working though some post par tum blues.  I mean like the navy blues, not a sweet cerulean blue.  Anyhow. Arica walked in on a local band cranking out this tune: 

Cora Belle  <-- and="" click="" listen="" nbsp="" p="">
Let it ring across the dell
I’m in love with Cora Belle
Kissed her once then I kissed her twice
My heart rang like a bell does chime

Hair like autumn cheeks a bloom
Voice sweet as a springtime tune
Come to me my Cora Belle
In this heart forever dwell

You’ve a kindness in your eye
Like the early morning sky
And a smile like the spring
Love it brightens everything

Cora Belle now listen here
This old heart is yours my dear
Rain or shine come sickness health
Still I love my Cora Belle

Sir dear sir hear what I say
She’s to me as light to day
Til the sun falls from the sky
Til my soul to him does fly

You’ve a kindness in your eye
Like the early morning sky
And a smile like the spring
Love it brightens everything

Follow me through valleys deep
Rivers wide and mountains steep
For you know I’d follow you
To the ends of the earth my love be true

Hair like autumn cheeks of bloom
voice sweet as a springtime tune
come to me my cora belle
in this heart forever dwell

You’ve a kindness in your eye
Like the early morning sky
And a smile like the spring
Love it brightens everything

I sang this song over and over again to her.  And wouldn't you know, on March 11th, just 6 weeks old, she sang it back to me.  From that day forward the girl has not stopped smiling.   

potato? peach? its a toss up!

Second Annual Artichoke Roast

Having children is kind of like dying and then being brought back to life.  Its so emotionally, physically, and spiritually arduous.  It can often feel like defeat.  When you have stayed up with them all night, endured the tantrums, the messes, walked a one way road, you appreciate any nugget of beauty and goodness.  (and that often are your babies)  You breathe with your whole being and food that taste good goes straight to your toes.  You see in technicolor.  A stranger's smile makes your day.  A trip to Costco with your mother in law is vacation holiday. 
So man oh man! I was lost in those homegrown artichokes.
Someone I want to be, is the collective selflessness and generosity of my whole family.  Whatever house we are visiting, there is someone who loves and holds cora and who entertains and has patience with ender.  I didn't realize what a tender expression of love it is to offer to hold one's baby while you eat.
I look at both set of my moms and truly truly truly, I want to be just like them.  Sacrificial.  Generous. Wise.  Understanding.  Relaxed around a crying baby. 
I always find myself quoting Rod Stewart, "I wish that I knew what I know now, when I was younger"  That guy is so weird looking. 
Well, since I can't learn my lessons in advance of my age, I am trying to cheat and look at the answers on my mother's and aunt's paper, namely. 

Choppy thoughts.

Quick synopsis of photos.
Greg and Erin grow delectable artichokes in their garden.  I'm sure they use homegrown fertilizer.  Its an organic perk for potty training a boy... :) 
Noah and Ender have polar opposites personalities, but their love for fun an antics is equally matched.  They are both sweet & ornery. 
Aunt Ashley is an angel of light holding Cora.  I have a whole family of these celestial beings. 
And lastly, the feast!

 

With the baby humans tucked in bed, I sat on the couch to scribble out my feelings of self pity in my journal. (blah blah blah)   Zander was cruising the Internet, soaking up information.  He is a living, breathing sponge. 

And our friend the grasshopper was playing a melody on the guitar.  No, seriously he really was.  He actually plucked a string.  I think it was A.  He was very surprised himself that he could play.  I encouraged an encore, but he humbly bowed out of my request.  His hands but filamentary wisps managed to pluck out a single, beautiful note.  Honestly, I've been out performed.   

 

One night, Zander was disgusted to find him roaming the house at free will.  He told me to get rid of him or else!  Zander's brutality is appalling and his cowardliness before a dainty creature is laughable.  I think our guest was sitting on the couch and I was saying that I would not let him die in my house when he hopped on the crown of my head in a pile of messy hair.   He was very grateful for the safe perch.  I carefully escorted him out the front door like any respectable hostess would do.

People, please, I do have boundaries.

No.
Mice
Cockroaches
Scorpions
Mosquitos
Flies
Gnats
Silverfish

Wow.  This list is getting lengthy. 
Those are the only ones that I feel threaten our urban desert dwelling. 
Otherwise, welcome God's creepy crawly creatures. 

*I do reserve the right to redact everything I claimed on this post if any one of my VIP guest should turn on me.

 those lips, oh those sweet lips!


On Mother's Day, Zander let me sleep in, while he took the critters.  I trust Zander completely with the well being of our children.  Granted, he might not do things my way, and when I get upset with him, its not because he screwed up the kids, but he threatened my control and challenged my routine.
I walk into the kitchen and find Ender and Zander scribbling away at a mothers day gift and Cora is gurgling happily in her bouncy seat.  Ender is fed and Cora has poop soaking through her onesie and didn't do any tummy time.

"um, zander...were you going to change Cora's pants?"
"oh!  that's poop?!  I thought it was part of her outfit, like a ruffle."

the babes were so peaceful and happy that morning with zander.  he helps me learn to relax around them.  I'm so afraid that if I screw up just once, it sets off a chain of events where ender winds up incarcerated and cora on the street corner.  Like by the age of 6. 

the following is a story zander and ender style.

 There once was a happy family... Then a fire breathing dragon came and took mama away.

Prince Ender tracks the dragon and the victim to his lair.

 "I fight you dragon!"

 "Chop! Chop" With two little chops, the dragon's head comes clean off.

Mama and ender are reunited.   

 

Ender likes to lounge on Nana's and Papa's couch like Lula.  He also likes to kiss like Lula and eat treats like Lula.

 

  

 

Lula.

 

 

Cora.  Lump of sugary goodness.  I like her a lot!  Except, she begins to unfurl her petals at 5:45 every morning.  I think her man farts wake her up.   

 

No kids.  Your father wasn't a single parent.  This is me, your mother.  I am not an aunt or long distance cousin or your daddy's on and off again girlfriend.   The lady you see every now and again in photos of your childhood is your biological mom... stay at home mom. 

This said, just in case the sweet chariot swings low and carries me home sooner than expected, and you need proof.  Daddy NEVER, well, hardly EVER takes pictures of us together.    So here you have it!  Thanks Papa
for the photo :)

after another one of my deep and great sighs over the construction site that is our yard, he said

"Look I promise you.  Our backyard will be your most favorite backyard.  It will be full of character and charm.  Its just not about grass.  Do you just want someone to come and plop some grass and trees down and call it beautiful? (he mimes this with a few junior high bathroom noises..??)  
It will be like the elves came and designed it their way". (Insert sorcery hand motions and a rendition of elvish tongue- that is an uncanny resemblance to his Uncle Scott speaking in tongues if he were to).

continuing... he's on a roll

"Its like this.  I am a spider.  And my yard is my web.  You forget that I'm here and then one day stumble upon my masterpiece.  And I just keep spinning"

This guy has so much gumption.  Definition please.  - Shrewd or spirited initiative and resourcefulness.

*Bless his heart.  9:15pm and he is out digging a trench to lay underground conduit. 

3 months

lumpy here is always getting mistaken for a boy.  bless her bippy.  

one afternoon this week ender woke up from his siesta having somehow morphed into a rabid and weeping little monkey.  He was relentless with his tantrums.  It came time to feed Cora and he began to sob uncontrollably, "hold me, hold me!"  But I just couldn't.  So he climbed on whatever lap I had left to share (as I was nursing the little girl) and laid his head on Cora's back and held on to her so he wouldn't roll off (she's sturdy:) His head was conveniently resting near her rump when she let out the longest and loudest fart, right in her brother's tear streaked face.  He immediately stopped crying and started laughing and was such a happy fellow the rest of the day. 
I hate to say this, but I just might have to teach her to fart on demand for when I need a little help with the eldest. 

I wish for these lovely little folk to come and clasp my hand around the May pole. 
Does anyone else have a bipolar two year old they are raising?  To spin with the elves would be a blessed break. 

My friend Veronica and I purchased matching desks to re do for our boys.  This was one of the projects I thought I just had to complete before Cora arrived.  Because if I didn't have this desk finished and Ender's craft supplies prepared, then I would be up the creek without a paddle when it came to managing him and a newborn.  However, Ender, isn't terribly crazy about sitting still and quiet at a desk and delighting in crafts while I tend to the infant.   haha what was I thinking??  He does enjoy dumping his crayons out to get to his markers...

And he seems to like to make things into fishing poles and guns.   

 

Last night at dinner, Ender mentioned he wanted to go to school with Liam (his older cousin)

Me: "You're not old enough yet.  You need to be at least 4"

Ender took a bite of his meat.

Ender: "I did it!  I'm not two anymore!  I can go to school with Liam now!!"

Its our fault really.  Meat has become magical.  Once devoured, it magically makes Ender's muscles bigger and treats appear.   He thought it must make him older too. 

 

ender went to bed all hot and bothered.  then he woke up irritable and with a stuffy nose.  He throws a fit whenever I try to care for him, like give him tea, Tylenol, hugs & kisses.  I would do anything for him when he is sick, but his mind & personality really take a beating under a common cold leaving him in tears and tantrums all day.  Until.....  I bust out the camera.  stinker.

Affection?  Not yet.  Underdeveloped  stomach and back muscles.  Ender, however, would disagree

After the "photo shoot" mind you, I was forced to put both kids in the car and just drive.  Strapping Ender in his seat was therapy for us both.  Boy can this kid scream and act irrational, sheesh!  I had to keep telling myself that he was sick and that he is who he is under the circumstances and that there still is a God.

Ender and I are adjusting more and more to our lump of sugar, cora lynn.  She puts up with a whole bunch of emotional drama from us.  She, like her daddy, brings a sense of calm.  She loves to smile and gurgle her spit.
she is growing fast.  and for the few who care, when it comes to nursing, she downs her milk in ten minuets flat.  Ender took 30 to 45 mins.  A guzzler versus a sipper.  Ale versus tea.  They are so different from each other already.  I can't wait for those iron differences to come into contact.

two & a half months

 

she's my old man.  she passes the time with her gummy smiles.  Pooping, farting, and grunting are her hobbies.  Her happy place is right here on mama's bed. 

I am trying not to obsess about her naps.  I just got so used to handling ender; our days were beautifully mapped out.  And then she came and threw a wrench in it all.  Bless her heart, she is so sweet about everything, and still I find it in me to complain. 

Right now I am eager for her napping to be predictable.  The thing that scares me is that I will be stuck at home.  I'm reading the Life of Pi right now and I feel for the castaway.  Being trapped on a little dingy with a temperamental tiger is uncannily similar to being stuck in the house with a toddler.    Of course my toddler can be a little pussy cat.  Right now he hid himself away with his books because Cookie Monster is "too scary!"

Ender's favorite show by far is Curious George.  Lately, though, he is realizing that George is a little too messy and ornery.  If you have ever seen the show, it is Hundley, the lobby dog who he most emulates.  This dog is dedicated in keeping life orderly.

And yet when daddy comes home, ender seems to shed a layer of that worry and tension.  I do too.  Zander has that freeing effect. 

 

they are zander & ender. 2 of the most genuinely happy people I know

A hairless husband, and a grassless, treeless yard.  "You didn't imagine your life to end up this way" , Zander chuckled.    "no", I said much more seriously, "no I did not".

I always thought we would be missionaries in some far flung country or have wild and unruly careers.  For example, Zander would be sprouting a full head of curls,  teach history to inner city kids, change their world view, and end up adopting one of his student's babies.  For me: oh, just a travel photographer and of course the mother of our adopted child. 

But alas, we have happened upon an unforeseen path that has led us to the threshold of people's hearts.  Where, just even on the doorstep, are things unexpected, surprising, and enthralling. 

I am learning to invest my time and energy and prayers into people.  Discovering that you, yes you out there, whoever you are, are more beautiful and mysterious and worth exploring than my selfish and probably misguided dreams.   
I say this with confidence because its already been proven.  In Zander, my children, my family, friends. 

Its a hard road not to choose myself.  Many days I go dizzy with temptation and wander from that path.  But He always leads me back. 

I am jealous of how optimistic Zander is.  He sees our ugly, concrete yard as his creation playground.  He loves the idea that he has to build the beauty himself.   Me, I just want to win the lottery so I can *snap* have 50 year old sycamores transplanted in my yard.  I don't want to wait for anything!  I want it now! 

sweet & sour

ender, i walked through the valley with you.  as my first born, it was your calling to prepare the parents for the rest of your siblings.  you are the brave one.  and now we climbed a mountain and found our cora lynn glowing with the dawn of a new day.  for all of us.  she is our sweetheart.  our little darling. 

and you.... you are the self proclaimed "bad boy" or "bad pirate".  its been hard to live with you, I confess.  I know its been hard to live with me too.  Despite the blessed sweetness of Cora, I am still stressed and overwhelmed with two arrows in my quiver.  You have been trying to make sense of your two year old brain, of your crazy mama, and of your needy little sister.  Also, I have allowed our fun nights to tamper with your beauty rest.  I have taken advantage of your good nature as you operate without a nap.  And I have been scolding you too much, jumping down your throat over every little thing because I'm stressed.  I'm sorry. 

 

Daddy and I had a good talk the other night and it helped to reset the balance.  "I am the vine, and you are the branch" "Remain in Me and I will remain in you"  "The fruit of the Spirit is love..." My toes

become roots that with each step I take, I wiggle them deep into the soil, searching, and taking hold of God. 
Daddy said all that is required of me is my love.   So I will love you, I will love God, I will love our family.  From my heartfelt dedication to love from God's love, I hope you will be nourished from the fruit.

 

"On Guard!"

 

"I fight you!"

Ok, I accept! You like to play with swords.  So be it.  You are my boy.  You mean no harm by this. 

 

 

Tonight, zander and I were talking with his mom asking her how she encouraged Zander to be a "soldier for the Lord".  I was fretting over the fact that Ender keeps calling himself a bad pirate, when he pipes up with "No!  I'm a bad pirate for the Lord!" 

Well in that case, blessings to you and your ship of scallywags.

 

His face here reminds me of puddy. And if we want to tak ite a step farther.., silly puddy, to be exact.  He gets his skin genes from this daddy's side.  I realized this when ender was quite younger and one day he discovered that he too could plug his nose with this upper lip.  Go on, try it.  I certainly can't do it. 

 

The morning light and I are becoming well acquainted again. Its peaceful to see it caress cora's chubby cheeks. (oh, nice alliteration, leslie!)

in the first few weeks of cora's homecoming, the start of the day would be really rough.  i would need to nurse her, but ender would be very grumpy and needy.  I found myself waking to feed her first, making sure she is in some comfortable state,  go get ender up out of bed because you could always count on him wanting to be held and cuddle him until the baby cried again or I just couldn't push breakfast out any longer.  it was tricky and annoying :)

 

 

but now, i can get ender up before nursing her and bring him in bed with us.  he kisses her good morning, brings his books and milk in bed, or "tidies" cora's things for me.   This time is quickly becoming the best way to start my day. 
Thank you Jesus, oh my, thank you

I enjoy Saturday mornings.  Zander is in the kitchen whipping up really tasty oatmeal.  I mean really tasty. 

He once said "Oatmeal is so good.  Its like really good bread thats already been chewed for you."

Wow. Okay. Sure.

This last time I offered him some delicious blueberries to mix in with this porridge.  He flat out refused and gaily cut up his nasty biltong.  (remember?  The raw pieces of meat he had hanging in our spare room.?) Well they finished curing and now they are in the freezer.  I don't mind that so much.  Now I do not have to hold my breath, duck and avert my gaze every time I enter the room with the meat chandelier.

During one of Cora's feedings in the early after midnight hours I looked over at Zander to admire him.  Because yes, I do adore and love him.  But when my gaze fell over his head, my heart nearly defecated from fright.  (hearts can poop if you are really scared.) 
Well, it was not a nightmare. Indeed I was sleeping with the awful reality right next to me. 
bald, Bald, BALD!  As bald as my newborn baby's butt.  The boy is bald!  It happened last night while I was grocery shopping.  I pulled into our carport worshipping the Lord while Mumford & Sons preached over the radio when I saw someone duck behind a dirt mound we have in our back yard.  Typically this would startle me, however, I have two kids and things that go bump in the night are not as potent anymore.  I knew instantly it was Zander by the ornery way he moved and his beady blue eyes glinting in our porch light.  And then I saw why he was trying to hide.

I got out of the car.  "It was an accident!  I didn't mean for it to happen!  But I gave myself an inverted mohawk and had to finish the job" 

Somehow he didnt' realize he took the razor off his shaver?  Or he put on a really short one?  Or what was his excuse?  Anyhow he ended up with a paved road right down the middle of his head.

I'm mortified.  No picture included unless you want to know what it feels like when a heart poops. 

we spent the day in our old stomping grounds (my parent's hood)
went on a walk to introduce cora to neighbors
read with Papa and Lu
played in dirty irrigation water as true phoenician water rats
didn't take a nap, but it doesn't matter when you are a happy boy with his cousins
ate pulled pork with family from out of town and called it a night

I love going over to my mama's house.  I don't think I will ever cut the apron strings.  In fact, they got even stronger, scarily stronger, after having kids.  I'm trying to come to terms with that, accepting that I'm a mama's girl.  Honestly, I have always chosen to be with my family over friends.  So its no wonder. 

Tuesdays with Veronica

 

I know two Veronicas.  One is a jealous, backstabbing comic cartoon who cannot make her mind up between Archie & Reggie (and you can just forget about Jughead).

The other is a polished mother, ex-archaeologist, mod glam (did i just make that term up?), dog groomer, builder, crafter, & hamburger lover, with Spontaneity being her middle name. 

And I have immensely enjoyed her company during the postpartum moratorium of my "normal" "bustling" life.

She makes me lunch, holds my newborn, is gracious with my two year old, and doesn't seem to mind that our Tuesdays are planned and not spontaneous. 

this is her tike Niko.  Him and & Ender get along so well when they are not hitting, screaming, or pushing each other.  :)  This is the little dude that warmed ender up to the idea of wrestling as a form of fun.  Ender tends to be a bit particular about his personal bubble.

March 4

Yesterday was a first for me & Zander.  He remembered our anniversary before I did.  I am becoming less puppeted by the dates of the calendar anyway.  I prefer to sway with the seasons these days. 
So "march fourth" i am not terribly attached to you.  We were married in the Sonoran spring.  So when weather begins to gently warm, and the sun lingers a little longer, I will remember the pecan grove. 

Now, I cannot post a photo of our wedding because the photos are on a cd which are in a room in which I dare not go.  Zander, has strung up raw meat strips from the ceiling fan and is curing them.  It doesn't smell, thankfully, but my imaginations is sending signals to my brain to stay far away from the creepy, disturbing scene.  I tried to convey to zander how scared I was that what he did was a cruel joke.  In fact, if you're reading this boy, we are going to "talk" about removing the horrid meat from the house when you get home.  Ok this is how I see it:  My room has been turned into the workshop of a serial killer cannibal.  There I said it Zander, now go string it up at Pj's house!  If you don't, I will put gloves and a mask on ender and he will be more than delighted to yank the meat down and throw it in the trash.  Beware of me and my little minion!

I love you!  Happy Anniversary!

a happy couple spending a summer in the emerald embrace of junipine.  you can hardly notice it, but if you look closely, we are standing on a cliff  and are about to jump and begin our out of control free fall into parenthood.  look at us!  So oblivious, so naive!