"A single rose can be my garden...a single friend, my world"-l. buscaglia
-no this is not true of me. this is zander's quote. he loves roses.

this particular bush happened mysteriously on our doorstep one spring day.
got to hand it to the rose, it has wooed me. i now want a kaleidoscope of roses. but of the darkest hues. all of them slightly touched by the matchstick.

what once was....

now is.

if babies from the 50's have lived to tell the tale.... why shouldn't ender be given a fair shot at proving his survival skills too?
* meaning he brought home a high chair from one of his favorite antique shops that would not pass any of today's safety regulations.

he told me to be strong, not to wimp out, and carry his 7 month old tush up the ravine. so i took orders from a baby and up we went with no trail to guide us. I sang a made up diddy about Going Up Up Up! so we wouldn't go down down down. Stayed on the path the sun lit for us, so I wouldn't feel lost and alas we broke over the slope to a brambly clearing. We had a goal, though.
To find this guy. And we did. phew.

Fleet Foxes - Helplessness Blues Music Video

someone else has a crush on arizona too.
thank you my desert dweller *wink*

mama

mama on her honeymoon, camping in alaska. oklahoma. those are her two daughters, not sons, but I don't blame your confusion. me and my sister.

why Baby Gap made an easy sale with me

In the distance, a great white mass lazily rose, and rising higher and higher, and disentangling itself from the azure, at last gleamed before our prow like a snow-slide, new slid from the hills. Thus glistening for a moment, as slowly it subsided, and sank. Then once more arose, and silently gleamed. It seemed not a whale; and yet is this Moby Dick? thought Daggoo. Again, the phantom went down, but on reappearing once more, with a stiletto like cry that startled every man from his nod, the negro yelled out. "There! there again! there she breaches! right ahead! The White Whale! The White Whale!"

Upon this, the seamen rushed to the yard arms, as in swarming time the bees rush to the boughs. Bare headed in the sultry sun, Ahab stood on the bowsprit, and with one hand pushed far behind in readiness to wave his orders to the helmsman, cast his eager glance in the direction indicated aloft by the outstretched motionless arm of Daggoo.

Whether the flitting attendance of the one still and solitary jet had gradually worked upon Ahab, so that he was now prepared to connect the ideas of mildness and repose with the first sight of the particular whale he pursued; however this was, or whether is eagerness betrayed him, whichever way it might have been, no sooner did he distinctly perceive the white mass, than with a quick intensity he instantly gave orders for lowering.

The four boats were soon on the water; Ahab in advance, and all swiftly pulling towards their prey. Soon it went down, and while, with oars suspended, we were awaiting its reappearance, lo! in the same spot where it sank, once more it slowly rose. Almost forgetting for the moment all thoughts of Moby Dick, we now gazed at the most wondrous phenomenon which the secret seas of hitherto revealed to mankind. A vast, pulpy mass, furlongs in length and breadth, of a glancing cream-color, lay floating on the water, innumerably long arms radiating from its centre, and curling and twisting like a nest of anacondas, as if blindly to catch at any hapless object within reach. No perceptible face or front did it have; no conceivable token of either sensation or instinct, but undulated there on the billows, an unearthly, formless, chance-like apparition of life.

As with a low sucking sound it slowly disappeared again, Starbuck still gazing at the agitated waters where it had sunk, with a wild voice exclaimed, "Almost rather had I seen Moby Dick and fought him, than to have seen thee, thou white ghost!"

"What was it sir?" said Flask.

"The great live squid, which, they say, few whale ships ever beheld, and returned to their ports to tell of it."

But Ahab said nothing; turning his boat, he sailed back to the vessel; the rest as silently following.

easter portrait

he is our little friend!

the size of my miracle was so small, so significant. as ender was leaving a chamber in God's heart to come to earth, his hand reached out and brushed up against a pulsating wall, raking it through his tiny fingers, and clenching tight, he bore a piece for the journey. it took me so long to realize why his fists were always closed as a newborn. he held a very precious gift. i know he will share it with the world.

on another note: i accidentally changed my family's life.

the said kid up above, that cute, adorable midget, morphs into a snarling dragon at night. I'm not kidding! It is a whole process of rocking the scaly serpent to a sweet slumber. Then only to repeat the process 5 more times during the night. Sometimes he traps me in his lair for 3 tortuous hours!

Well on Monday night I found myself, exhausted and with a nasty cold. The dragon summoned me into his cave once again to rock him. But it wasn't enough for him. I knew, then, that I faced my demise. Tonight was the night he would conquer. And in one last desperate attempt to survive......!! I rolled over and played dead. Oh did the beast roar! He was frothing at the mouth, gnashing those pointy white teeth, swinging that long neck from side to side. I was frozen in fear.

Thankfully, a brave boy came along, curious about all the noise, found me lifeless, dragged me out and told me to go take a shower.

He only blew steam for an hour then.... golden silence. The following times he stirred, i shoved some raw meat under the door, then he fell back asleep in minutes. For his siestas it only takes him seconds to realizeI'm not his slave and off he frolics to dream land.

The key is to give him a cloth diaper he can shred between his claws- get all that angst out! Then lay his bunny next to him. After he calms down, he likes to pet Rutabaga.

The curse has been broken, the dragon tamed, the village is free.

often i think "is this guy for real?!" he can't possibly be a fallen human. "i'm onto you God. I know he is one of Your cohorts." and just when a glimmer of an angelic wing begins to appear beneath his dirty o'l shirt, "Aha! I've discovered your celestial secret!" he goes and does something so stupid, hurtful or embarassing. but I know its just to try and throw me off His trail.

and my heart grows

our little pale crow.

his current obsession, a bedazzled image of himself.

did you see us swing under a great tree

under a canopy of white lights, strung like pearls on fire

under twinkling mason jars, glassy fruit, we swung

your daddy pushed us and you smiled and laughed

with each arch we drew in the night air

i held you tight and felt your downy hair on my lips

time stopped to watch you fly

charmed,

your mother

img.

you are what real heroes are made out of. hard core fluff.

when i sneak away into the shadows behind his door, i see you in there, on the front line, holding his hand. when i hold my breath so he doesn't hear me, there you are coaxing him to sleep. i can't think you enough brave one.

ender, by the mercy of God, has become smitten with a bunny from his aunt patti. i'm starting to dismiss the idea she found him in a store, but rather am convinced it hopped into her back yard, pawed her ankle, and begged her to be given to a little boy who needed assistance going to bed at night. he's magic.

i thought i lost you.

plump and sweet, just like ender. but a nasty o'l tom at peed on them! he is also the cat that sneaks outside our window impersonating ender waking up at night. yes, ender sounds like a mewing fur ball.

i do. i really do.

since ender has been born we have had this awesome rainbow colored balloon night light plugged in our room where he slept. it gave off this warm glow. however, since moving him into his nursery, that lovely lighted companion kicked the bucket. zander thought he would go green and buy an LED night light. For being the tree cuddler that I am, he was irritated that I loathed the eerie blue light it emitted. It made Ender's room like a cave, a scary one where a little beast slumbered, waiting to devour the first person to enter his lair....me. So every night, I have to banish all thoughts of vampires, ghosts or clowns waiting for me in his blue room. (i know i know, i'm more baby than ender. but you can pay for my shrink). And I'm thankful for our creaky wood floors, a dead give away for even the most weightless of foot falls.

Scene: 1:30am, crying, crying, crying, in the blue eerie room. A whole month of ender fighting us at night time has left me a little, oh, i'd say emotional and tired. I bravely enter the mouth of the cave and gently cradle the baby beast. my eye catches something in the door way, though. a figure. still and staring. i never heard it approach. i scream. thats right, on top of ender screaming, i let out a shrill wail. my sanity is doomed. i yell for zander.

well how convenient, the dark figure materializes into zander and comes to my swift aid. I yell his name again in relief and annoyance. now i'm shaking,zander takes me and ender in both his arms and starts to shush and rock us both.

no more sneaking zander!

however, wow, being rocked is very soothing. i totally getcha kiddo.

but no more! I can scratch "being rocked like baby" off my bucket list.

Heres to 99 birthdays Arizona!

one of my most favorite experiences of being in europe or in one of our great country's coast land states, are the beautiful parks. phoenix, its sad, but you have too many parking lots.

but thank you for sparing some mountain parks and places like the Desert Botanical Gardens. because, i love this land.

ender and i are members at the Gardens: a pocket of Sonoran sensation!

i adore creatures from all walks of life!

beautiful blue braved the cold

ender, oh ender. what the heck buddy! you have had a meltdown almost every day for over a week now. What gives? since i've been thinking about leaving you at the doorstep of a nunnery...i owe you a shout out.


*you melt into liquid sugar when you are in the bath
*every morning you wake up laughing and cooing despite that you might have been laying in your pee soaked jammies (gilly! sorry.)
*you're a fan of Battlestar Galactica. so cool.
*you laugh the hardest when someone shimmies you in front of the mirror. such a diva!
*you sigh, alot! because you're satisfied? because you long? because you give up on trying to convince the world of your superiority? hm?
*you enjoy walking cheek to cheek with me as we glide from one room to the next. aye aye aye mi amor!
*your attention span with books thrills me!
*you appreciate a good nap and a good nights rest.

i love you. and we would only visit a convent for the cultural experience of watching The Sound of Music.

don't worry.

i snipped a beautiful stem from my mama's basil plant before the cold took its life. i knew i didn't want to go and buy a seedling and i knew i needed a botanical experiment that would take me back to the third grade. so even though a bit of google "research" told me that this was not the ideal way to propagate this herb, i did it anyway. since this photo, i have moved it to a terracotta rehabilitation pot where hopefully its roots will grow strong and be healthy.
this spring i am going to have gobs of herbs. and when the weather becomes a scorcher, i will bring them inside to do a little housework. http://www.o2foryou.org/ <-- the natural filtration process within plants can remove up to 87% of VOCs from the air, says NASA says Better Homes :)

today.

ender and i made a small herb bouquet for our lovely land lady, the queen of the King Kasa, Josie. if i ever feel discontentment in our abode, God always brings her to mind. i just look outside over at the periwinkle door to bungalow number 5 and remember that we have the sweetest neighbors. and i thought i would show God that I heard His reminder by giving a gift from our garden.

mint. lavender. rosemary. and a thank you scroll.

one man show

i wish it were mutual. i teach him the inner clanking of a jeep engine, the cranking of tools, the historical and present atmosphere of cultures etc and he teaches me how to be a 21st century mama. But no. He does it all. He cleans, reads, changes diapers, gardens, takes awesome photographs, fixes, creates, builds, sketches, plays the drums and wears and apron. I swear. Sometimes i want to hate this kid.

these were amazing pancakes he made for us on saturday morning.

zander's fashion handy work.
i could have a whole gang of these.

ender misses katie too

in the winter garden.

swiss chard. great for salads.

snap pea curl.

peppermint.

spanish lavender.
carrots with a bougain villa spread.
bok choy. prepare it like a cabbage stew. oh and ender.

8 1/2 weeks on this planet. assimilating quite well. still speaking his alien tongue

currently, the team is working on a commumicatio system; referencing classics like Independence Day.

Zander, as of late, has expressed the disillusionment, the lack luster, the gap between the boy and his young father. It must be difficult to connect with a human so tiny and mainly in need of milk. Zander also works outside the home, furthering his feelings of disconnection.

A light bulb blinked on in my head, "Aha!" thought I, "I will find him articles in our baby book that will address this very issue and he will grow in knowledge and encouragement." Then my light bulb fizzed out for I then thought, "Who am I kidding! Zander does not get encouragement for the heart from scholarly research. He will probably have already figured his dilemma out his own way- with God."

That is so frustrating to me! It is much easier for me to Google what the world has to say and report the 'facts' and call it day. It is much harder for me to ask God, hear His answer and confidently tell Zander. Well, I ended up marking the page in our book.

Lo and behold, he came home that day on a surge wave of enlightenment from God he received while listening to a Keith Green song. (that Isaac kept playing on repeat just so he could hear Zander sing this one part off key) And that one part off key, was just spark of realization Zander needed about our baby human.

they will make it just fine.