Groom Creek

It's highly likely that gigantic wild things rolled and rollicked in the woods, turning up great mammoth pieces of granite for their playground equipment. Then, as it usually goes, mysteriously vanished, leaving only evidence behind for the believers.  
The kids and their two little friends went rogue.  The boulders and trees swallowed them up and spat them out again feral and happy. They encountered another gaggle of kids and at one point, it seemed, as though two warring parties would be, once and for all, staking claim on this granite kingdom.  Alas, they made peace and joined forces instead.

We climbed all day.  Exhilarating.

 

Penumbra is still worth it

At ten o clock the night before, it just occurred to me that there was going to be a total eclipse of the sun and it's path of totality and would be gracing the beautiful states of America.  I started reading all the hype on the internet about it and got swept away real quick.  Worry set it.  Ender's school was going to keep him inside during the eclipse.  As was Cora's.  Ping pong went my thoughts.  Should I or should I not take them out of school so they could experience the event, even if it would only be partially obscured?  Am I bad mom?  It's times like these I close my eyes and pretend to have wrinkly skin and grey hair.  My elderly more cinical self laughed at my younger more uptight self.  Wait, was she laughing at me cause I worry too much and lack wisdom, just keep them in school?  Or was she laughing because I worry too much and just let 'em play hookie for crying out loud?!  I called mama.  I fretted over the phone with her.   All night I stewed.  But woke up and decided away we fly with handmade pin holes to the archery range.

There were clouds, there was heat, there was a two year old and there was, inevitably, somebody who had to poop.

So, away we went to my parent's house around the bend.

The boy creator, the girl explorer, and the baby juggernaut suffer their mama's ideas.  I dare say they love it.

The moon slipped perfectly over the sun.  The iris and the pupil, unblinking down at their inquisitive earthlings.

Where to begin.

Have you every asked a spider if it hurts to molt?
Freshly molted spiders are very soft and vulnerable until their new exoskeletons harden.

My sister recently gave birth to a baby girl.

Quinn Isabella.

Quinn has down syndrome.

Can I say the words shock, denial, devastation,  grief?  That was me when mama's words slammed into my chest.   Then followed by self hate and guilt for experiencing those feelings.  Zander, mom, told me that it was normal to mourn.   But no I screamed inside my head.  Mourning shouldn't be normal, its not fair.  How could I feel anything but joy over this amazing little creation?  But I did and am still doing to be honest.

Part of me wants to wrap my arms around Morgan and Quinn and shelter them from the world.  Saying "Dont you dare look at them and feel what I'm feeling.  We're wrong.  Don't gawk and feel sorry for them, like I did."  But beauty such as Quinn's cannot be hidden, especially under a cloak of fear.  Its irrational to try and snuff out the sun with your thumb. Quinn dares us all to look, stare, and wonder at her exquisite form.  She's magic.  Don't catch her gaze if you're not willing to be transformed and leave your old self behind for something better. 

Because its painful to shed this old layer of skin.  Underneath is raw. I am soft and vulnerable until this new layer of truth can harden like armor protecting me against my enemies.  And it will.

Bobbye Jean

 the morning mama called to tell me our Bobbye had passed away the babes were awake and the day was beginning its demands on me.  That has been one of my fears since having Ender: what can I do when I lose someone I love?  I cope by completely unraveling, then silence, then more weeping, then running to some place solitaire, a tree, a mountain, under my covers.   A mother cannot do that.  I inhale deeply and go and make breakfast. 

 Cora and I made the journey home.  I thought I would be given a chance to say goodbye, but I was sleep deprived this trip.  Cora, I love her, but she is what she is, a baby girl with needs.  She did not do great at night, though during the day she was a champ, regardless, I was exhausted.  Plus, it was mama's mama who died, I wanted to go to support her.  Its funny, my Phoenix community hardly batted an eye at her loss.  Its not that I needed everyone to know and so fawn over me, its just strange to have such a big part of my heart hidden a thousand miles away, another life.   I've said this before, it comes to mind again, "my heart is fractured across time and space"  Grandma had a piece of me,  and she still has it in a place that is not this earth. 

God help me, I'll miss this woman.  She meant something deep in my heart.  I came from her.  As a child I idealized her.  She was the Queen of Guthrie and her castle was a little yellow house on Washington.  The air there was thick with memories.  People complained it was the humidity, but surely it was the dew of the town's past, my past.  I loved it.  Somewhere in all that intrigue and mystery was my story.  I'd listen for someone, anyone to tell me the tale of my family.   I strained my ears to hear it in the wind that rushes through the cotton woods, down the brick streets, under the vi dock, past the porches of familiar faces.  Grandma was the portal to my past and a key to part of me. 
She was a firecracker. 
The summers were warm and damp with a chance of tornadoes. 
Cucumber salad
Saturday mornings in the kitchen watching the Price is Right.
Exploring the abandoned hospital (where mama was born) and the ice house by the train tracks with Tyler.
Bringing Sharon her paper.
Experiencing an epiphany as a child sitting behind my grandmother's curly brown hair on a rollercoaster  just as the train of rickety cars reached the brink before the plummet. At that moment she astonished and inspired me.
Buying vegetables from the man with one arm
Coloring while Grandma watched her soaps.
Outings to the cemeteries and gossiping about the dead (God bless them)
Jumping in her water bed and forcing her to cuddle with me while she watched football. 
She laughed a lot.  She teased, flirted, had her opinions. She was the matriarch and I felt so empowered and safe surrounded by her, mama and my aunts. 

Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do. Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little children. ~Alex Haley

what are they looking at?

Peter John: my zander's best friend, cousin and confidant.  Possibly lover, but I don't think they appreciate that label.  Hey, I call it like I see it :)  Him and Katie raise quail now and gave us a beautiful bowl full of their freckled eggs. 

Peter John also has taken up carpentry and is becoming quite the skill master.  He carved the dreidel for ender and his cousin noah, mentioning he is going to do it every year for them.  A collection of handmade dreidels from Uncle PJ!  How unexpected and charming!  Let tradition live!

 

Ender, i cannot deny, does not get the first of my handmade endeavors.  he doesn't complain.  probably because he is smart enough to realize an amateur's work. bless 'em.
thankfully, we happened upon friends like Veronica (mama) and Niko (her little boy) who craft travel coloring kits for my ornery ender. 
we took it for a test drive at a mexican restaurant and it checks out:  circles and squiggly lines were successfully drawn. 

Happy Birthday cream puff!

Here is Isla turning three!  And her doll brother Colt.  She has come a long way since her born day.  Wow.  That kid looked like she took a hit from Tyson.  Not a pretty sight.  ha.ha.  Having Isla exist is an interesting dynamic.  She is my little sister.  And I find myself having the same feelings as I did with my older sister.  We get in fights and she makes me laugh till I cry.  I am so excited she is on this earth with me. 

From my heart to her hers :  A blue flower crown, a trip to the flower shop, & tin foil rain drops.  My family thought the rain seemed a little sad.  I always prayed to God that the best present from Him would be rain on my birthday.  Its nectar from Heaven. 

"the great tree goes down and leaves an empty place against the sky.  if the person is deeply loved and deeply familiar the void seems greater than all the world remaining" ~  Sheldon VanAuken

a great man died recently, zander's beloved grandfather.  i asked Zander what kind of tree would allen kinkel be?  He sees him as a sturdy tree clinging and growing on the edge of a cliff, with roots that spread deep and wide, holding together all the soil around him. 

i should see you as that tree, too, zander. but i would go into much greater aesthetic detail of the actual look of your bark, branch and leaf.  :) 

since grandpa's passing, ender has been  exuding life.  he has been a stable presence as i cope with death.  {also reading A Severe Mercy which is an interesting expose on grief and eternity}
but i need to stop clinging to a two year old and cling to an Infinity Year Old :) 

Spring is still with us.

“The breeze is the merest puff, but you yourself sail headlong and breathless under the gale force of the spirit.”

I can't think of a better thing to say to express the springs i have experienced in Arizona.  The breeze carried me all through the weekend; i couldn't have imagined sweeter times. If I could I would convert into analogue the smell of creosote or the taste of warm peaches freshly plucked from the tree, so you could know more accurately.  All the photos are from "no nos" birthday party.  Do you see the golden fairies swirling around ender in the pool?  Babies laughter tends to attract that particular crowd.  Or sharks.  Depending on what body of water they're swimming in...

we love our mama

me, older sister, mother

What makes mothers all that they are?
Might as well ask, "What makes a star?"
Ask your heart to tell you her worth
Your heart will say, "Heaven on earth"
Another word for divine
Your mother and mine ~wendy darling


i wish i listened more to little wendy.  i was truly one of the lost boys without her, my mother, not wendy.  she irked me in the disney version. so did tiger lily- can't the gals just get a long and join forces?

clear creek, clearer minds

Wild times, until the light has gone
Wild, until the rising sun
Let us hear the sigh,
Of all the days gone buy
Wild times

Shine the light, down through the years
Through the fields of yonder, the veil off tears
And well take the time,
That is yours and mine
Wild times

Wild times, into the dawn
These wild times, will not be gone
And the music plays,

To these golden days
Wild times

You can here the sigh,
Of all the days gone by
Wild times

And well take the time,
That is yours and mine
Wild times

we cannot be caged, and we, like our God are not tame, its written in His word.  i know the sea is calling you girls.  i'm ready when you are. 

"Superstitious sailors used to hear the mournful songs of whales echoing up through the hulls of their ships, and were enraptured.  Singing whales once inhabited the Mediterranean, and probably are the Sirens Greek myth says lured sailors to their doom on the rocks." - diane ackerman

there is more written about whale songs that needs to be read on the sandy threshold of their deep wide home. 

what does a very young little human perceive?  in terms of colors.

i am making a cape for ender's spunky and bright cousin, noah, whom he affectionately refers to as "no-no" which makes grand sense if you know the mischievous boy! 

the lining of the cape is going to be buzz light year and its on lime green fabric with splashes of christmas red.  i cringe.  but noah and i'm assuming the majority of 2 year olds just don't care.  he will only notice buzz, a man, much like himself with non stop energy and fun.  pure.  and maybe i've been watching too much of What Not To Wear....  i'm sorry!  stacy and clint woo me with their wit. 

but i'd like to look at that lime green cape and think of Tom Sawyer gleaning bio luminescent mushrooms of "foxfire" to light his way through underground passages.


  i have a glowing idea!  plant these (can you plant fungi?) along your walks and lanes to guide your wonder struck guests up to your door for an enchanting evening.  Something tells me this won't work in the urban sonoran desert.  well, if i were a fairy's electrician, i would install these for sure. 

and really buzz, you're such a romantic.  "to infinity and beyond!"

photos: noah's eyes- i stole them off ashley's facebook
mushrooms, that i forgot!

beauty is a light in the heart

strong & beautiful is our sister abigail

her imagination is a deep well, mystical & clear that is dug into the sky, even beyond, into the heavens.   she used to, does she still? imagine that God carved those He loved, those who faded away from human history, into the stones, into the mountains, as His own secret, precious memorial to them.  i like abbie.  i miss her telling wild, imaginative stories.

Happy Birthday soon! 

i remember this post. see the last photo?  she was right :)

metropolis- a film

a silent film restored by the magic that was the 1980's. i don't think i could have appreciated this film if it were not for zander. he puts his own fingerprints on it and i begin to see what he sees. something past myself.

its not supposed to be a comedy, but we laughed a lot. oh and don't forget about Troll Hunter. (it was a netflix night)
anyway. these actors depended so much on the eyes to tell the story.

zander thought his cousin melanie would have been perfect for a silent film role.

quickly, lets look at what i experienced this week!fair haired cousins all sitting in a row. a feast at the Badlelair (pluntke) residence.christmas eve tradition at our little. little bungalow. christmas morning at the Toth's!Zander "the Hun" naughtily shooting his arrow straight and high.
hiking an itty bitty trail in the Superstition Mountains. Its kind of like the Bermuda triangle of the Sonoran desert. Legend, Lore, the Lost echo in the canyons. I want to go back! we had to cut our time on the trail short because ender kicked his boot off and a pretty cholla needled logdged itself deep in his heel. he was not happy.

along comes isla

she's been there, she's done that. a funny pair these two. just a shy year older than him, she is the magic to his milestones. we now have a goofy looking 14 month old toddling around the house.