His face here reminds me of puddy. And if we want to tak ite a step farther.., silly puddy, to be exact.  He gets his skin genes from this daddy's side.  I realized this when ender was quite younger and one day he discovered that he too could plug his nose with this upper lip.  Go on, try it.  I certainly can't do it. 

 

The morning light and I are becoming well acquainted again. Its peaceful to see it caress cora's chubby cheeks. (oh, nice alliteration, leslie!)

in the first few weeks of cora's homecoming, the start of the day would be really rough.  i would need to nurse her, but ender would be very grumpy and needy.  I found myself waking to feed her first, making sure she is in some comfortable state,  go get ender up out of bed because you could always count on him wanting to be held and cuddle him until the baby cried again or I just couldn't push breakfast out any longer.  it was tricky and annoying :)

 

 

but now, i can get ender up before nursing her and bring him in bed with us.  he kisses her good morning, brings his books and milk in bed, or "tidies" cora's things for me.   This time is quickly becoming the best way to start my day. 
Thank you Jesus, oh my, thank you

I enjoy Saturday mornings.  Zander is in the kitchen whipping up really tasty oatmeal.  I mean really tasty. 

He once said "Oatmeal is so good.  Its like really good bread thats already been chewed for you."

Wow. Okay. Sure.

This last time I offered him some delicious blueberries to mix in with this porridge.  He flat out refused and gaily cut up his nasty biltong.  (remember?  The raw pieces of meat he had hanging in our spare room.?) Well they finished curing and now they are in the freezer.  I don't mind that so much.  Now I do not have to hold my breath, duck and avert my gaze every time I enter the room with the meat chandelier.

During one of Cora's feedings in the early after midnight hours I looked over at Zander to admire him.  Because yes, I do adore and love him.  But when my gaze fell over his head, my heart nearly defecated from fright.  (hearts can poop if you are really scared.) 
Well, it was not a nightmare. Indeed I was sleeping with the awful reality right next to me. 
bald, Bald, BALD!  As bald as my newborn baby's butt.  The boy is bald!  It happened last night while I was grocery shopping.  I pulled into our carport worshipping the Lord while Mumford & Sons preached over the radio when I saw someone duck behind a dirt mound we have in our back yard.  Typically this would startle me, however, I have two kids and things that go bump in the night are not as potent anymore.  I knew instantly it was Zander by the ornery way he moved and his beady blue eyes glinting in our porch light.  And then I saw why he was trying to hide.

I got out of the car.  "It was an accident!  I didn't mean for it to happen!  But I gave myself an inverted mohawk and had to finish the job" 

Somehow he didnt' realize he took the razor off his shaver?  Or he put on a really short one?  Or what was his excuse?  Anyhow he ended up with a paved road right down the middle of his head.

I'm mortified.  No picture included unless you want to know what it feels like when a heart poops. 

we spent the day in our old stomping grounds (my parent's hood)
went on a walk to introduce cora to neighbors
read with Papa and Lu
played in dirty irrigation water as true phoenician water rats
didn't take a nap, but it doesn't matter when you are a happy boy with his cousins
ate pulled pork with family from out of town and called it a night

I love going over to my mama's house.  I don't think I will ever cut the apron strings.  In fact, they got even stronger, scarily stronger, after having kids.  I'm trying to come to terms with that, accepting that I'm a mama's girl.  Honestly, I have always chosen to be with my family over friends.  So its no wonder. 

Tuesdays with Veronica

 

I know two Veronicas.  One is a jealous, backstabbing comic cartoon who cannot make her mind up between Archie & Reggie (and you can just forget about Jughead).

The other is a polished mother, ex-archaeologist, mod glam (did i just make that term up?), dog groomer, builder, crafter, & hamburger lover, with Spontaneity being her middle name. 

And I have immensely enjoyed her company during the postpartum moratorium of my "normal" "bustling" life.

She makes me lunch, holds my newborn, is gracious with my two year old, and doesn't seem to mind that our Tuesdays are planned and not spontaneous. 

this is her tike Niko.  Him and & Ender get along so well when they are not hitting, screaming, or pushing each other.  :)  This is the little dude that warmed ender up to the idea of wrestling as a form of fun.  Ender tends to be a bit particular about his personal bubble.

March 4

Yesterday was a first for me & Zander.  He remembered our anniversary before I did.  I am becoming less puppeted by the dates of the calendar anyway.  I prefer to sway with the seasons these days. 
So "march fourth" i am not terribly attached to you.  We were married in the Sonoran spring.  So when weather begins to gently warm, and the sun lingers a little longer, I will remember the pecan grove. 

Now, I cannot post a photo of our wedding because the photos are on a cd which are in a room in which I dare not go.  Zander, has strung up raw meat strips from the ceiling fan and is curing them.  It doesn't smell, thankfully, but my imaginations is sending signals to my brain to stay far away from the creepy, disturbing scene.  I tried to convey to zander how scared I was that what he did was a cruel joke.  In fact, if you're reading this boy, we are going to "talk" about removing the horrid meat from the house when you get home.  Ok this is how I see it:  My room has been turned into the workshop of a serial killer cannibal.  There I said it Zander, now go string it up at Pj's house!  If you don't, I will put gloves and a mask on ender and he will be more than delighted to yank the meat down and throw it in the trash.  Beware of me and my little minion!

I love you!  Happy Anniversary!

a happy couple spending a summer in the emerald embrace of junipine.  you can hardly notice it, but if you look closely, we are standing on a cliff  and are about to jump and begin our out of control free fall into parenthood.  look at us!  So oblivious, so naive! 

i've always been a big fan of hospital fashion for babies.  when did they come out with their line of vintage big bows for baby girls? 

The Well Digger's Daughter

Yesterday while our sprawling metropolis was undergoing the most unusual weather with hail and sleet of the sort, Cora & I were bundled up watching The Well Digger's Daughter. A French film that, surprisingly, had zero nudity or unsightly female body hair in it. In the end, it wasn't a Parisian fling, but commitment to the family. A very simple story drenched in warm sunlight that I could get lost in for the afternoon.
I have been cooped up in my home for the past two months trying to avoid the plague as a pregnant gal and now as one with a newborn and two year old. It is getting to me in the worst of ways.
I long to throw my kids in the car and drive far away from these walls.
Oh, but when Zander comes home, he smells of fresh air and wild adventure. Yes yes, he has only been at work, but he brings a bright light, tales of the world, hope for the future, and joy in my present circumstance

. 

Our neighbor came over this morning to take pictures of me and kids, and she mentioned...
 "Zander, now, I could be wrong, but he seems like such a throw back character.  Someone you would read about in a classic novel.  An old fashion kind of man.  Its interesting, because that is a rare quality in men these days"

How true.

He is currently brewing "bone tea".  Its one thing he is into all of a sudden.  He bought some meat with bone in and was boiling it last night and all day today trying to leech all the under respected nutrients from the marrow and such.  He had Ender take his bone "tonic" that night along with his dose of chamomile tea.  You know, I thought it would be Cora and I with the tea parties, but Zander & Ender beat us to it.  They'll stop whatever they're doing for a sip. 

When Gigi comes over, we rest and I do not do the laundry.

The Lumineers - Ho Hey (Official Video)

Why a photo of a wad of tissue?  Well, because it is now one of the most precious pieces of trash I will harbor until I'm a very old, weird lady.  With all this "baby blues", ender was bound to catch me crying, though I try to hide it from his sweet world. 
"Whats that mama?" He asks pointing to my nonsensical tears. 
"I'm crying Ender" says I.
"Clean it off"
"ok, thats a good idea" replies I
"I better go get a tissue"
He runs to the bathroom and comes back with a wadded up piece of toilet paper, warm and moist from his hot little hands.  I reach for it...
"Let me have it!" And he proceeds to carefully dab everyone of my tears away.  He lingers a little while scrutinizing my eyes to make sure he got every drop wiped away.

And I realized how out of the music scene I am when I begin to discover "new" bands by watching reruns of SNL.  yikes.

 

You make me nervous, you're so chill. 

Placid-suggests an unfruffled calm

 

The clock struck nine and I pulled myself out of bed to wake up ender.  Then Cora, and finally Zander.  Ender stuck with me in the waking world.  Zander and Cora dozed another hour or so.  I don't know how these two find rest with Ender and I clanging around the house.  The clouds in the sky drifted in time with their breathing.  It seemed our whole little world was content being calm.

And yet... I still fear.  I fear unhealthiness, sleeplessness, 'uncreativeness', uselessness, unhappiness, and the -nesses roll on and on. 

Having another baby I find myself having to declare my allegiance again to Jesus and not things of this world.  Though, being a mother is the most fulfilling role I could ever being given on this earth; it also gets very much attacked by lies. 

Before I find my groove once again, I want to dig my roots further down into the good stuff of Jesus.  Only He can carry me through the baby blues, sleepless night, lonely seasons, and relationship challenges.  He is my dearest treasure and companion.

 

Ender is visiting his cousins this afternoon.  That makes me so incredibly happy!  I worry for him.  I want him to experience his family blessings.  Being in isolation is killing me.  Sending Ender out relieves some of my anxiety.  I can handle this quarantine as long as Ender is able to venture out and nourish his spirit. 

 

cora lynn 02.03.13

You made a somewhat surprisingly gentle entrance into this world.  Thank you.  I can only liken you to a sprout pushing up slowly through the soil.  For me being the soil, though, i felt each mineral, nutrient and clod of dirt moving aside.  i will never walk on a patch of dirt the same way again. 

Two photos I wish I had taken were:

1) a hospital scene- the silhouette of cora and grandma by the window with the rainy desert sky adorned in a double stranded rainbow and trees and mountains set ablaze by a setting a sun.

2)  a home scene - Ender, peeking in through our window, looking for his new baby sister.  His blond hair combed, a clean white shirt tucked in his pants, holding a tiny vial of these ambrosial blooms.  I almost started weeping at the sight. 

Cora's Nook

 

I can be a little illogical when it comes to "things i have to do before the impending arrival of baby"  For instance, make puffy, floral clouds.  These cumulus (latin for heap!) clouds were like weights on my shoulders until I stitched the last thread and they floated off my to do list and up above cora's nook.  I am ridiculous! 

Well, speaking of To Do Lists, I have Cora written down for February 1st and it would be exhilarating to cross her off on said date.  I'm half kidding myself. 

I have been having contractions since last night.  They are mild.  (Mild in comparison to the storm on the horizon, that is.)  And I'm nervous, but just so happy that I am experiencing them.  I didn't experience any labor pains with ender, not even those false braxton hicks.  He was more like a spirit child ho humming around in my uterus, pretending not to be human.  Cora, however, is  reading her textbooks and playing by the rules.  Thats my girl!  It gives me hope that I will not have another C-section.  

I thought this was an original look from him.  But the more I think about it, the more I realize he is most likely mirroring the look I am giving him.  "Are you crazy?"  is often the question my expression asks him.  He is sweet then he is mouth watering, eye tearing sour the next second.  Ok, but really he is sweet and cordial for the most part.  Let me just tell myself he is transitioning mentally, emotionally and physically into the next stage of humanhood. 

 

 

Age: 27 months

Phrases: "How bout you do it!" "ehhh, let me try" "Absolutely NOT!" (you stole that one from me) "I love you" "mama, where mama go?" or "mama, where did (so and so) go?"

This is a mere smidgen of what you tend to say.  You enunciate clearly and I can talk to you about almost anything in your bright, small world. 

 

I walked into your room this morning.  You were standing up talking and look away from the door.

I said, "good morning ender" you jumped a mile high, looked at me as though I were a ghost, screamed a scream I never heard before then began to cry.  That broke my heart!  I am so so sorry.  I'm sorry for laughing too.

 



Nana's Garden- Nana's iphone

Ender is beginning to initiate photo shoots.  He sits still long enough for a steady snap, then he zips it  to the camera to get a load of the cute guy in the picture.  

Here Ender sits next to his cousins "Colt & Isla".  Mama has many creatures and magical children hiding in her garden.  And so did her mama, Bobbye Jean.  Bobbye Jean who used to live in a yellow house.  I would go there in the summers and talk secretively with all of the enchanted stone statues.  

I intend to create my own haven for my family.  All magical critters welcome!

Losing Sight on the Wild Blue Yonder

  Often, I have thought about wearing a golden calf around my neck.  As a reminder that I make myself and other people in the internet realm an idol. There are so many photographs, reality tv shows, facebook pages, blogs that showcase us.  We have become the gilded cow.  And by "we", i would be safer in speaking for myself and saying "me!".  Staying at home with ender i use the internet to be my eyes and ears.  But I'm gathering assumed versions of people and using their so called lives to plumb line mine.  Then there is a storm in my mind and heart to make my life just as reflectively beautiful as the ones I think I see.  I begin to feel somehow less because I am not known by the masses.  I am not artistically inclined to frame the details of my silly crafts, meals, or travels.  The majority of my days are spent grocery shopping, doing laundry, house cleaning, getting ender dressed, going to the park.  Yes, mundane things.  But , I've lost the vision God gave me: that is, to see people, zander and ender in particular, for the eternal beings they are.  Their hearts are a wilderness filled with intrigue, passion, and adventure. That goes for Jesus but forever fold.    Hm, maybe just wearing a small Sinai mountain pendent would be more aesthetic than a fat ol cow.   

AND.....Zander has cataracts.  Um.  I'm working on empathizing with him.  It sounds bad, it is bad, but my defense mechanism when hardships come my way is to ignore it and maybe it will go away :)  Oh those beautiful blues eyes of his.  Such a simple shade, but immeasurable

in their meaning.

 

and here are these baby blues.  golly, he was 14 months here?  he stayed so still for photographs.  I need to work harder on getting up close with him again.  hopefully he will be spared the old man disease zander has acquired.  but if he is a smidgen like his daddy, he will be able to turn his troubles to triumphs.  bless 'em both.

Black Rose

 

"Zwartkop"

Another fauna friend for our house.

I have yet to understand why I am so enchanted by purple plants, (some so deep they stain black or chocolate), but I am.  As a kid, purple was one of my least favorite colors.  Yet, by the time I heard my wedding bells ring, I was in love with "eggplant".  And on our honeymoon, zander & i hiked  Bright Angel Trail in the great Grand Canyon where a plateau of purple prickly pear first peaked my interest.  Those are my most recent memories of my attraction.  Somewhere along my life someone or someplant must have secretly charmed me...

 

 

The only photo that is mine is dead center :)  The others I randomly chose off google images without citing the source.  Ah well, how much harm can a  little naughty blog hiding in a teeny tiny corner of the internet universe cause?

 

1. Wandering Jew

2. Cordyline Red Star

3. purple potato plant vine

4. prickly pear

5. Purple Shamrock

6. Coleus-dark chocolate

7.  Dracula Raven

8. Black Star Calle Lily

9.Black Magic Elephant Ears

 

nap nix

a rare moment of a napping ender foot.

 

For the past two months, Ender has been finicky about his siestas.  How does anyone not want to sleep?!  I'm almost addicted to it, well, its certainly an idol of mine.  Whenever this kid changes his habits I go through a panic phase.  Especially with Cora full steam ahead, I need ender to acquiesce to our afternoon naps.  He will stay in his bed and chat, sing, count, bounce, but the walls are tense with his energy.  The hushness that fall over a house when a babe is fast asleep is some of the most glorious music of heaven. 

I'm sure Google is annoyed with the majority of my searches investigating the "problems" of my toddler.  But, I just have to know exactly why he is pooping two-three times through out his allotted napping time and not falling asleep!

 I would ask him after a while, "Aren't you tired?!" 

"No, I'm happy!"

Oh brother, well I'm not.  Go to sleep!  :) 

Nothing more, but a toast to flexibility, change, and adventure! 

Donkey Tail - a succulent

 

Before my mom had to go back to work we took an afternoon to do one of our favorite things together.  Visit the garden shops & nurseries.  I hardly ever tell myself "no" when I see a plant or a pot for sale.  Mama bought me this houseplant, Donkey Tail, at Home Depot.  It would have been nice to support our local nursery, but we just couldn't find anything that spoke to us that day.  Our old neighbor at the bungalow had a copious amount of cacti and succulents decorating her windows and floor and walls and shelves and toilet seat, basically every nook and cranny. 

My dream would be to knock out as many dark holes in our house as possible, think Atrium!  And then never stop welcoming plants into our home.  I want people to bless me "The crazy plant Lady"

Funny thing is, my houseplant thumb is black.  I'm going to try and keep a record of my pets on my blog for a quick reference of care and maintenance.  Perhaps that will help. 

Lists & Listnesses

From the time of Cora's conception we decided to compartmentalize her to the last home stretch of her 9 month journey in the womb.   We had to buy a house, celebrate Ender's birthday party, attend more parties, build a block wall, celebrate Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years....  Well, her last month came at the stroke of midnight January 1st.  I furiously wrote a to do list and have been sluggishly going through it. 

We finally got a washing machine.  Does anyone believe me that I've been doing laundry at my parent's house for the last 7 years?  Do I sound pathetic or totally committed to rolling with the financial punches ?  :)

I have failed miserably in my pursuit to prepare, though.  My relationship with Jesus waned, with Zander it strained and I have been unnecessarily impatient and fed up with Ender.  Bless him.  Its been that bad.

But today!  Today I resolutely ask Jesus for help and to change me.  I'd much rather get back to being madly in love with Jesus, Zander and  Ender than listlessly pondering my life & concerning myself with action items.  I throw my chaff in the wind!

Here is Ender gleefully swinging in Nana's and Papa's hammock.  He loves for me to wind him up and spin him out.  He does this odd inhaling laugh when he is supremely  pleased with something.  Spinning is one of them. 

I love you little guy.  I'm sorry I put cleaning my breast pump, organizing cora's clothes, & hemming curtains (among other things) before you :)

Tonto Natural Bridge

zander is eager to make things tradition. he does it once, he loves it, Tradition! Last year, during Zander's Christmas break, we took niks nooks to the Superstitions.
This year we chose a place none of us have been and that seemed relatively easy for a two year old and an 8 month pregnant crazy person to trek. The Tonto National Bridge, between Pine and Strawberry.
On the drive out, I'd look back at Ender in his car seat. He looked like a slug, merrily glued to his seat. Darling boy.
We passed hills forested with saguaros, the noble ents of the sonoran.

 

T


the facilities to the park are very pristine and well kept.  Ender walked down all the steps to the bridge.  He counted 6, but I believe there are roughly 80.  Ender discovered a tiny opening in a pint sized cave.  Zander had to crawl on his belly to "rescue" him.  It was kind of nerve wrecking because ender became panicked and forgot how to crawl and always wanted to stand and run which proved very sore for his little head.

We decided to cross under the expansive bridge and hike up the creek back to the parking lot. At this point Ender began to melt, melt, melt!  He hopped in daddy's back pack but cried for his mama.   Zander wove a story about him and his buddies rock climbing and camping, which intrigued him immensely and he fared much better.  The passing was tricky.   All the boulders were coated in a treacherous freeze. 

Emerging from the creek bed we found a quiet & sunny spot to eat.   Ender pendulum swung between bites of sandwich and apple so we decided to head back to the car and let him nap.  But he did not agree with our splendid & logical idea. 
Ender refused to sleep and continued refusing the whole 3 hours ride home.  He coughed.  The poor thing coughed the WHOLE time.  And he complained about the sun being in his eyes so I had to constantly maintain a make shift shield for him.  I went & bought a window shade last night.  No more of that nonsense!

Ender threw up when we got home.  It was mostly all the snot and phlegm he swallowed.  Poor guy.
I love having a family!  I love that Zander doesn't shirk away from seeing the sites because its a wee bit more stressful and challenging with a two year old.  

Christmas Eve

And the Light shines on in the darkness, for the darkness has never overpowered it. John 1:5

The people who walk in darkness will see a great light; Those who live in a dark land, the light will shine on them. Isaiah 9:2

Ender, fresh and frisky after a shower, sat with us by the fire while daddy told him the story of baby Jesus.  The whole house was dark except for the hearth. We sang O Come O Come Emmanuel, but ender was smothering his face on my lips so I could barely squeak out the notes.  I didn't mind, he didn't stink and I can't sing anyway...  We let the fire die down a little, then sent that boy to bed!  One by one a candle was lit as we took turns praying and pleading with God for the aches of our heart.  For him to let His light shine in a particularly dark area.  Then we lit the Christmas tree and praised Him. We cherish our Christmas Eve tradition. 

 

 

1.woodland ginger cookies. 2. woodland garland. 3. drummer boy.

my ginger cookies look better than they taste.  the garland keeps falling down because I'm too lazy to find a better way than scotch tape.  and the drummer boy didn't "perform" until the very last stanza of Away in the Manger when daddy promised he could see himself on "TV".  Diva.

 

 

i giddily wrapped the first Christmas present of the year.  the delight is mine to tape & twine!  there are so oh so many people that I could give to each year that i get stressed out because I am only one tiny one.  i rely on the Spirit to just tell me a few (apart from family) that i can handle and then rest in knowing that i am not God or Santa, but simple me.  this is desert soap infused with creosote and chaparral oils that i sent to friends faraway. 

 these frothy photos (the snow effect:) are glimpses of simple happiness in our life right now.  but our hearts are heavy laden with the pain that is searing in other people's lives.  zander & i are mourning the babes from the school shooting, cancer, other untimely deaths.

i appreciate someone attempting to put into words on this blog..... whom i discovered through melanie :)

 heather, heather, heather, you are a talent.  thank you for asking us to do this!  we both felt so at ease, and that speaks volumes.  i will often flit & fly over to your new website to check out all that you create. http://www.birdiegirlphotography.blogspot.com/

one no good autumn day, among rotting leaves, and a rotten idea, i had zander take pictures of me because i thought he was the only person i'd feel comfortable with in front of a camera posing. and as of then, i had no pictures of cora in her cocoon.

  it ended in tears.  i'm a mess in front of a camera.  but just for the record, it doesn't help if the "photographer" is laughing the whole time and telling you not to make that face.