Arizona's Birthday

February 14th, a day to celebrate your love for good o'l Arizona.  You know, I used to wear black on this day to show everybody who was boss, that Valentines was a sappy, fake, made up blah blah blah.  The point being, I needed to get over myself :)  I think I did for the most part, but I still don't get into it.  Zander could care less and so could Ender.  Cora might like it; I know I did when I was a little thing because my mom was my sweetest valentine. 

I forced my family to Hunts Tomb, though, for a picnic commemorating 102 years of statehood and just to remind us that we love this land.  Zander was sick, Ender was getting on my nerves, and Cora was starving by the time we rolled into the park.

None of that matter,though, and besides, the children whipped into shape and Zander, eh, he didn't complain.  The air was electric, my head was buzzing with the view and perfume of all the plants. 
And as the fiery chandelier diminished, the moon appeared in the east, perfectly round and proud to traverse the sky. 

There was another family up there and Ender, no questions asked or insecurities known, started to play with two of the kids.  The two young strangers ran around the pyramid to try and escape the clumsy boy.  Ender was confused, but having a blast.  I think he proved himself, because the kids finally initiated conversation and they began to play more mutually and soon were teaching Ender how to play hide and seek.  He was still confused but having even more fun.  What a guy. 

dragon lair exploring

Sometimes you tell this kid stories to get him to eat his breakfast.
Such was the situation one morning a couple of weeks ago.

In a nutshell....

There was once a terrible and cruel dragon named Pico Paco who stole a precious baby girl from her crib just before dawn.  The heartbroken and panicked parents were led by un hombre misterioso to a large tree in the desert.  There they enlisted the help of Ender the Dragon Slayer.  He and his steed (a very large german shepard) rode under the blazing sun to the foothills of Pico Paco's mountain.

blah blah blah

he met his buddy Niko, they snuck into the cave, the dragon laughed, mocked, and tried to torch the boys.  They ran and tumbled down down down into a dark cavern.  When Ender lit a match, Whoosh!  the rocky room was dazzling with wall to wall sheets of crystal.  The surface of the crystal was so pure and clear it mirrored perfectly the startled boys.  A whole army of Ender's and Nikos stood dumbfounded. Ender had an idea.  They taunted the dragon down into the secret room of "the Many".  When the dragon landed with a clumsy thud into the darkness, Ender yelled "Now!" And niko lit a match which revealed a host of brave 3 year olds with shiny daggers.  The dragon (and Ender at this point) was very confused which allowed fictional Ender to stab Pico Paco in the soft flesh of his belly. 

So forth and so forth.  They found the precious baby (cora) asleep in a golden cradle and returned her to her parents.

"Tell it again mama!" 

"Um...no"

Instead we went to Papago Park to explore an old dragon lair.

These two again

Even the sun glows palely in the face of their happiness.  There is never, I repeat, never a dull moment with either of them.  I don't even think Zander, certainly Cora, knows that boredom exists.  But I do, and I think Ender might too.  His brain grows restless as it flexes and pumps eager to muscle through the next mind boggle.  Its getting increasingly difficult to challenge him. Anyway....

 

Zander and Cora. Ambassadors from another planet where joy literally comes from the food you eat and the air you breathe.  

Reflection on who Cora is has been lacking.  I've only had enough time to experience her, barely contemplate her.  When Ender was a baby, I had two or three naps to myself to muse over his idiosyncrasies.  Last night, after the kids were in bed, I found myself thinking of Cora, the creature :) 

This is one way I see it.  One way that helps me to make sense of the little things I try to shepherd.

First of all both of them came from some other dimension.

Ender, when he entered this blue terrestrial ball, came with a purpose.  His plan is to eventually take over and rule the people, all the people.  Zander and I are doing the best we can to deactivate his tyrannical brain, but he's smart, he's determined, he's Ender.  The forces of good and evil are already battling it out inside is  three year old heart and mind  Its intense.  But we know we have a winner.

Now,Cora. When she entered our planet, she came in the likeness of a plump fairy godmother.  She wipes away the tears and grants wishes.  Her happiness is contagious and she blesses those who will pause to meet her gaze.  She will reward them with a bright smile, a laugh, a silly gesture, a conversation that sounds more like a nice rest by a babbling brook...or.....squawking peacock.  Be careful though, she has an odd twitch in her arm, and will slap you in the face if you're not careful.  Its just a minor malfunction that tech support is working on....  I'm sure some wiring in her celestial brain overheated when she entered our earth's atmosphere.

Sometimes Zander and I try to explain to each other how Cora made us feel that day.  But there are no words.
"she's like.."
"Its just that..."
"And then she did, you know that thing...."

a dreamy sigh from us both....

...."And oh my goodness she's
just so amazing!" 

Cora is stumping me.  How can someone so small, so apparently human, (she certainly has a good disguise at least) be so incredibly  happy? 

Oh, wait, other things that will trigger a glitch in her perfect being is being short on blueberries, daring to give her a vegetable and sleep deprivation.   Here she half laughs and half screams for blueberries.

Bobbye Jean

 the morning mama called to tell me our Bobbye had passed away the babes were awake and the day was beginning its demands on me.  That has been one of my fears since having Ender: what can I do when I lose someone I love?  I cope by completely unraveling, then silence, then more weeping, then running to some place solitaire, a tree, a mountain, under my covers.   A mother cannot do that.  I inhale deeply and go and make breakfast. 

 Cora and I made the journey home.  I thought I would be given a chance to say goodbye, but I was sleep deprived this trip.  Cora, I love her, but she is what she is, a baby girl with needs.  She did not do great at night, though during the day she was a champ, regardless, I was exhausted.  Plus, it was mama's mama who died, I wanted to go to support her.  Its funny, my Phoenix community hardly batted an eye at her loss.  Its not that I needed everyone to know and so fawn over me, its just strange to have such a big part of my heart hidden a thousand miles away, another life.   I've said this before, it comes to mind again, "my heart is fractured across time and space"  Grandma had a piece of me,  and she still has it in a place that is not this earth. 

God help me, I'll miss this woman.  She meant something deep in my heart.  I came from her.  As a child I idealized her.  She was the Queen of Guthrie and her castle was a little yellow house on Washington.  The air there was thick with memories.  People complained it was the humidity, but surely it was the dew of the town's past, my past.  I loved it.  Somewhere in all that intrigue and mystery was my story.  I'd listen for someone, anyone to tell me the tale of my family.   I strained my ears to hear it in the wind that rushes through the cotton woods, down the brick streets, under the vi dock, past the porches of familiar faces.  Grandma was the portal to my past and a key to part of me. 
She was a firecracker. 
The summers were warm and damp with a chance of tornadoes. 
Cucumber salad
Saturday mornings in the kitchen watching the Price is Right.
Exploring the abandoned hospital (where mama was born) and the ice house by the train tracks with Tyler.
Bringing Sharon her paper.
Experiencing an epiphany as a child sitting behind my grandmother's curly brown hair on a rollercoaster  just as the train of rickety cars reached the brink before the plummet. At that moment she astonished and inspired me.
Buying vegetables from the man with one arm
Coloring while Grandma watched her soaps.
Outings to the cemeteries and gossiping about the dead (God bless them)
Jumping in her water bed and forcing her to cuddle with me while she watched football. 
She laughed a lot.  She teased, flirted, had her opinions. She was the matriarch and I felt so empowered and safe surrounded by her, mama and my aunts. 

Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do. Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little children. ~Alex Haley

a day in our urban desert. makeshift sling shot. baby snacking on rocks and dirt.  I forgot how blue can be such an empty color in the sky.  I tried to fill my eyes up with it before I had to take the next step on the trail or look at of these beautiful persons below.

"she'll play with baby dolls.  don't worry she will also play with swords."  - zander daddy

Ender was cradling Cora's baby doll this afternoon with the encouragement of zander.  He held it so tenderly walking down the hallway towards Cora's pack n play.  I smiled as I imagined the cute scene unraveling when ender reaches said destination and chucks the baby head first down into her crib.  He raises the doll over his head to reach the top edge, but "its too deep" he's says.  He can't nicely place the baby on the mattress.  Ahhh, sweet boy.  This, just an hour after pushing the real life baby down on the concrete outside....

 Ender has happened upon an unlikely friendship with a little girl, whose older sister takes piano lessons from Miss Izzy, next door to his Nana's.....random, but definitely a kid thing.

I remember summers in Oklahoma, visiting grandmother
"can your granddaughter come out to play, mrs buckner?" 
I'd shyly peek around the corner and see little faces with their noses pressed to the screen.  Sometimes, I would dare to go, if the boys didn't seem too ornery.

When I would stay with Grandma Bobbye in Guthrie, the nostalgic town of my childhood, my imagination would be bursting at the seams to get out and pretend I was back in the 50s and had all day to play kick the can and tell ghost stories.  I would track down any kid I could find to try and weave them into my American fairytale.

One time, I was forced to go to a drive in with one of my grandma's daycare clients older son (and a group of other kids too) My gut told me this boy was icky like chewed up bubble gross.  Turns out he tried to put the moves on me!  Little o'l tomboy me.  I was sorely disappointed.  This kid was not old fashion friend material. 

I often stared up at a two story house across the street from grandma's house.  I heard rumors a mentally challenged boy lived in the top story bedroom overlooking the street.  I tried to get his attention by communicating telepathically or make it look like I was having a ball playing to try and coax him down.   Turns out I never the met the boy.  I don't even know if he exists.

Ha, with this weird brain as a child, I am so glad I grew up in a bustling city with lots after school activities. 

  

 

My childhood Leslie would through a temper tantrum if she knew what her "grown up" self was doing: scaring and thus forever ruining the magical powers of her rocks.  Thankfully, I don't have to deal with that little brat and can do what I want!  Besides, I did extensive research on how to remove adhesive from porous rock.  My rocks, my precious and beautiful rocks.  My closet was filled with egg cartons of rocks, among other treasures.  I hid them away and pawed over them after school and on weekends.  Oh.  It just occurred to me.  I was kind of pathetic.  I thought everybody would oogle over them and be insanely jealous of my collection.  So I brought them to school to brag.  Apparently, third grade girls could care less.  Heck, even the boys weren't thrilled. 

Whatever.  I can't get over how beautiful they are and the stories they hold of childhood exploration days.  So, I dusted them off and glued them on some canvas and hung them on our wall.  I'm honest when I say, I get butterflies in my stomach whenever I walk past them. 

Among my trinkets and things was this gilded, and probably cheap elephant locket.  I begged the next door neighbor to release it to me.  At the time, it was the most exotic artifact I ever beheld.  He laughed and said "sure, its probably cursed anyway" 

 

I also have my coin collection, shells, keys, beads, little boxes, pins that really should have a chance to shine on the blog stage.   Stop cringing, I won't post them. 

joy

I have never met a more happier person than Cora.  She even beats out Zander.  Her joy is infectious.  The fellows in our family adore her.  We all do.  Its not like she is the perfect baby.  She wakes periodically in the night, she whines,  poops steaming sulfur turds, and she will gauge out your hair and eyeballs.  But the spirit inside of her illuminates our world and we forget why we needed to worry.
Ender and daddy are her best friends.  If you are blessed to be holding her when Ender is in the room, then you will experience her energy and zeal for him.  You physically feel her happiness.  Its incredible.

I don't want to think about her future in terms of "what if all this changes" "I'll be eating my words once she turns two..." "what will the teenage years be like?"
Today is all we have and know.  And today, my goodness, she is our healing joy.

*the trio by the fire.  Daddy exemplifies tenderness towards his baby girl and Ender falls in line.  That is something that Zander is teaching Ender:  how love, respect, and servitude are the nuts (haha) and bolts of a man.  ;)

ad·ven·ture

An undertaking or enterprise of a hazardous nature.

To take a risk; dare.

To proceed despite risks...

 

I will never use this word loosely again. 

 

"Zander, do you think we were bad parents?"

 

"Maybe.  We took a risk.  We all take risks every day we walk out our front door"  in retrospect, something along those lines were said.

 

There has been something about this year, 2013, that has not boded well with me.  Despite my sweet daughter giving me a mouthful of toothaches... its been oddly melancholy, in a personal way.   For if you ask Ender, Zander, or especially baby Cora what their year has been like, you would get an earful of happy stories.  And they are all true, I witnessed them myself.  Its not worth it to be self analytical, especially here :)


Our family accidentally found ourselves on an adventure.

Zander had enough zeal to announce that we were going to touch the snowy rim of Oak Creek Canyon.  I humored his thought, because I knew it wasn't in my cards.
My first concern was my weak,soft body, "how would I carry Miss Plump up the canyon?  Oh well, I will climb as far as I can and then turn around".
  Cora was quiet and observant as we trod lightly under the canopy of trees.  The last of the amber leaves were clinging to the bare branches of the sycamores, about to be stolen for good by the chilly wind. Soon, we approached the beginning of the steep ascent up AB Young trail. 

We rested under a lone Juniper.   I found myself refreshed and decided to go further until I hit my threshold, or Cora's.

But soon the mist drew itself like a blanket across the trees and fell on heavy eyelids and baby Cora was fast asleep.  A mama doesn't stop if a baby is sleeping, especially a baby who likes to nurse when she wakes up.

Zander was still determined to reach the rim.   Well, now that baby was dreaming away, I thought it was possible.  I imagined zander the "mountain man" building us a warm fire and shelter up at the top where I would hold Cora close to me and feed her as the snow fell like dew from the white heaven above.    Strangely, after Cora fell asleep, my mama brain ignored the pain signals coming from everywhere, all over my body.  Fact was: I had a kid to keep asleep until I reached a warm place.  Three quarters of the way up, my feet were soaking wet, further on, my pants were soaking wet, and so were Cora's.  Once her little pads were wet, I started to freak out a little bit.  Once I heard the snow crunching beneath my feet I yelled back at Zander "I can't wait for that fire and shelter"

"What?  I'm not making a fire in this weather!"
My perceived reality slowly transformed into an idea, a dream, a wish, a prayer, then pure fantasy.
More panicking from me.  We stuffed Cora's feet in my pants and ascended onward.  Past rock slides treacherous with thin layers of ice, through bramble laden with snow.  Ender at this point was screaming his head off.  Possibly because he was on Zander's back being whacked with the snowy branches...

At one point while crossing an icy slope, I thanked God that none of these children's grandparents knew what we were up to.  It would be like watching The Fellowship traversing the Misty Mountains. 

But we did it!  We made it to the top!  We had to turn around fast before the snow queen came bounding around a forest corner.  Surely, it would be Ender who would succumb to the Turkish Delights.  He's weak for treats.  And he was miserable. The boy was belligerent.  He fought us tooth and nail to get back in the hiking pack so Zander had to carry him in his arms the whole way down. 

 

Zander was thrilled that we as family took on a challenge that spontaneously sprung up before us.  We were a little "high on life", but agreed to do things a tad differently next time :) 

  

The whole month of September my little cub slept slept and slept.  He took long naps every day and slept 12 hour nights.  But one morning, the fog of hibernation cleared and he emerged a very energetic, smarter, independent big boy.  This was one of the last times he woke up from a nap. 

"Mama, how can I touch the sky?"

"Dance with me in your arms!"

"Look at Cora!  She is doing it (standing, crawling, eating...etc.) all by herself!"

"Drop the sword, in the name of the Lord!"

"I got to tell you a secret...(whispers loudly in my ear) Jiminy Cricket is in a cave.  Why?"

He is too smart for his own good and I'm quickly running out of brain to keep up with him.  He is like a German Shepard.  He needs a job to do or he'll go crazy and start tearing up the backyard.  Zander has been taking him on "runs" so he can let off some steam from the day.  I should start taking him on morning hikes one day a week and let sister sleep in a backpack. 

Cora 9 Months

soulful

personality

 

"The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.”
― W.B. Yeats

 

Cora is my life coach.  She is an expert in seeing and being.  She is teaching me everything she knows and I am slowly beginning to absorb.  The world will want to devour her as she gets older.  It will gnaw at her heart and soul.  When she begins to face that part of her journey, then it will be my turn to remind her of all the beautiful truths she gurgled, cried, and squealed into my life. 

 

She also reminds me to rejoice over Ender.  He can be, oh.... I'd say a tad frustrating.  But Cora, you merely mention his name and her eyes pop wide open and she searches the room for him.  She hears him and she starts to get antsy in my arms.  She sees him and its all over.   A little firework explodes from within and she can hardly contain her excitement as he makes his way toward her.  She most especially loves it when he chases us around the house, roaring like a dinosaur.  

 

Fair Fun

 

As magical of a night you can get at a Phoenix fair.  I kept imagining Zander and I were in the Notebook. oh but its so true.  And what helped him acclimate were thoughts from one of his favorite post apocalyptic novels.  Whatever works. 

His eyes were two blue Ferris wheels lit up by the magic of the night.   He kept asking when we would go for a ride on the Ferris wheel.  We wouldn't.  He was too young and too short.  But I've should have known.  Ender's was really into circles as a baby.  I have no idea why.  Now, the most giant circle he has ever seen moving like a ship's wheel (well a ship sailing in circles) blinking and dancing in the night air was right before him.  His chance had come to become the circle.  

Ok ok ok, it was me who was heartbroken he couldn't ride.  Ender was happy with his fried hotdog, the stinky goats and a baby roller coaster that he measured up to exactly.  37 inches of pride! 

dennis the menace

i have come upon a piece of knowledge that is a large, gilded key to this boy's treasure trove of a mind. After talking it over with his grandma, listening to a cd, reading a book, and filling out a survey, I found the key hidden in the letters that form the term "Strong Will".  And now a map to his mind unfurls before me and I can navigate this kid so much better than before. 
I once thought that a strong willed person was aggressive and athletic, which neither describe ender.  I am such a caveman.  But a strong will can be found in the most gentlest of creatures.  Not saying ender is the most tender, but he certainly is affectionate, intelligent, funny, nice, willing to share and a sociable little guy.  I was searching for help under all the wrong key words "three year old screams and hits"  "three year old spits"  "three year old doesn't like positive attention when hurt".

Helpful links, but the heart of the matter is this strong personality disorder of his.  Well, okay its not a disorder, its a trait.  But some days I'm this close to admitting him into the psych ward. 

Our whippersnapper is tenacious, a problem solver, doesn't take NO for an answer, and wants to do it ALL by himself.
Its not about giving him free reign, but about me being a better captain so Ender can charter this terrestrial ball with more confidence and ease. 

If I were in an paid position, I'd be expecting the boss to call me in his her office with flowery felicitations on a big win for the company.  A raise would be in order. 
"Don't forget your Christmas bonus is coming up too Mrs. Toth.  Because we all haven't forgotten the night shifts you worked."
I'd walk away knowing that the bonus was going to be a doozy. I got the short end of the stick and had to sleep train a strong willed, three year old boy with a scream that cuts straight through bone and marrow and pierces your very soul. 
Of course I won't leave my secretary without anything. Zander's support (with or without his ear protection (but mainly with) was crucial.  Coming soon to his desk, "Worlds Best Secretary" coffee mug.  I know how its done. 

"once upon a time there was a boy named....

"Ender!"  He exclaims,  filling the silence with the "best" name for the adventure at hand.

This is how most of the stories we tell him begin.  We.  We are the daddy, the mama, the aunts, the uncles, the grandparents, the anyones who will take the time to tickle his ears with a good o'l fashion homespun tale.

"Now ender was a brave boy.  But he didn't travel alone.  He had a company of some fellow fearsome knights.  They were.....

Excitedly he names all of his cousins and Niko, a dear friend, who obviously falls into the cousin category.  There is no difference to Ender.

From there, the brave comrades equip themselves with their swords, helmets, horses, flashlights and snacks for a perilous journey.

They specialize in fighting dragons.  Oh and befriending them too, because some dragons are good; they are just shy and misunderstood.

Along their travels they encounter many mishaps that require sharing and taking turns.  From, there is not enough juice boxes to go around the campfire to being afraid of the dark., the trusty toddlers brave through it all.

The plot thickens with baby sisters captured and taken hostage in the lair of the dragon.  A few sword swipes here and there and the dragon is dead and all of them can return home to their mommies.

Phew!  All in a days work.

I'm a mother to a goat.

if you were to ask me how my sweet almost three year old talks to me these days, well, I would show you this video.  Please note:  The goat is ender.

How can I convince you that this is a 91% accurate depiction of our son?  You just gotta believe me.  You don't have to watch the whole video, but keep in mind I live it all day long. 

Zander and I have ruminated over ender's hang ups to the point where the other night we just looked at each other and knew we needed to quit it.  Yes, he screams, spits, hits, talks non stop, hurts other people's feelings with his outburst (you don't want to be the person nearest him when he accidentally hurts himself), but we decided to take a deep breath and talk about what makes ender so cool.

~ a tender heart.
he brushes the hair from my eyes
he'll stop at nothing to make cora laugh again when she starts to cry

~ a reader
when the house is unnaturally quiet, I know he's not getting into trouble, but has gone to his room to read.
Right now he enjoys the Berenstain Bears. 

~ a brave one
things can startle him easily, but he fights for his courage.  if zander is "attacking" him, he frantically fumbles for his imaginary sword, and when he finally find it in his imaginary holster/hilt, (phew!), he looks up with confidence "Ahhh, I fight you in the name of the Lord!"

~ an imagination
a hammock is a basketball hoop, his shields are now snowshoes, he converts his meals into an arsenal of guns, porch lights are stars, clouds are elephants,

~ cautious
he won't do anything unless he's convinced its a good idea for him, and once he tells himself "yes" he's full throttle. 
just last month he jumped off the couch for the first time and I praised him and told him to do it again, but don't hold onto the arm of the couch the next time.  Most parents try and keep their kids from that kind of crazy.  Ender needs a little encouragement.

~an idea man
Ender was adamantly requesting muffins for breakfast, but we didn't have any.
Ender: "Lets make them, then!"
Me: "We don't have a muffin tin, sorry" (Trying to get out of it)
Ender: Well, we could use a cupcake tin instead.  That could work. Yeah, that's my idea!"
Those ideas of his are always getting in the way of my laziness.

Well, that was kind of cathartic.  I love my boy.  Its tumultuous right now, but Zander said it best.

We are the rocks and our children are the waves that crash themselves upon us over and over again.
We are the anvils which God uses to mold and shape our children. 
We were chosen to be their parents.

Funny Face

what are they looking at?

Peter John: my zander's best friend, cousin and confidant.  Possibly lover, but I don't think they appreciate that label.  Hey, I call it like I see it :)  Him and Katie raise quail now and gave us a beautiful bowl full of their freckled eggs. 

Peter John also has taken up carpentry and is becoming quite the skill master.  He carved the dreidel for ender and his cousin noah, mentioning he is going to do it every year for them.  A collection of handmade dreidels from Uncle PJ!  How unexpected and charming!  Let tradition live!