Monday, June 29, 2015

Where to begin.

Have you every asked a spider if it hurts to molt?
Freshly molted spiders are very soft and vulnerable until their new exoskeletons harden.

My sister recently gave birth to a baby girl.

Quinn Isabella.

Quinn has down syndrome.

Can I say the words shock, denial, devastation,  grief?  That was me when mama's words slammed into my chest.   Then followed by self hate and guilt for experiencing those feelings.  Zander, mom, told me that it was normal to mourn.   But no I screamed inside my head.  Mourning shouldn't be normal, its not fair.  How could I feel anything but joy over this amazing little creation?  But I did and am still doing to be honest.

Part of me wants to wrap my arms around Morgan and Quinn and shelter them from the world.  Saying "Dont you dare look at them and feel what I'm feeling.  We're wrong.  Don't gawk and feel sorry for them, like I did."  But beauty such as Quinn's cannot be hidden, especially under a cloak of fear.  Its irrational to try and snuff out the sun with your thumb. Quinn dares us all to look, stare, and wonder at her exquisite form.  She's magic.  Don't catch her gaze if you're not willing to be transformed and leave your old self behind for something better. 

Because its painful to shed this old layer of skin.  Underneath is raw. I am soft and vulnerable until this new layer of truth can harden like armor protecting me against my enemies.  And it will.

Saturday, June 27, 2015

Dreamy Draw- March

I wasn't too familiar with the Dreamy Draw area.  It appeared to me to be the foothills that Ender's dragon slayer ancestor had his many hideaways and  look out spots.  I was feeling extra bloated with baby that morning and Cora was more of a parasite than the typical independent explorer.

We stay in this spot for about 10 minutes as she works on a poop.  She wasn't happy about it.

So beautiful, so prickly.  A perfect pair.
The other morning I am trying to get us out the door for swimming and Cora is insisting I read to her.

"I can't right now, why don't you read to yourself"

Whoa nelly, with that suggestion, she lets out a wail and pathetically cries over and over

"I can't read, I'm a baby!" 

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

March- I have not forgotten

I made it a point to take the kids out "hiking" and exploring every Wednesday for the month of March.  I ignored the voice inside my head telling me that "it wouldn't be as epic if you weren't pregnant or if you didn't have the minis with you".   Such terrible and gruesome voices.  Though they continued to speak, it was in the dust of my heels as the kids and I tramped across urban trails.

First up- the familiar stomping ground of Echo Canyon.  Obviously we couldn't hike the main trail because we weren't wearing sports bras or sipping from Camelbacks.  So we decided to visit the hollowed out lair of the dragon.  Shaded by the shadow of its threshold, I told Ender the legend of the cursed dragon who sleeps under the mountain the people mistakenly call Camelback.  Truly, if you bend your minds eye you can clearly see the shape of a defeated but bitter dragon resting and biding his time for  when the curse wanes and he wakens to wreak havoc on modern society. (his great great great something of a dragon slayer relative fended off the dragons of the desert and there are dragon relics and abandoned caves all over this city!  Look it up, its real. )
Well, at that point Ender did not want to go to the cave.  Huh, I wonder why.  But I assured him, that there was one who would defeat the beast.
 "ME!" he cried out.  "But after daddy teaches me how to use a sword"
"Of course Ender" I smile.
"And, if we go over there, our steps won't wake him up?"
"Oh no, he can't wake up until you turn.... 16 or something"  - I fumbled for an answer.

Cora tagged a long nicely with Ender.  I think he keeps her around for dragon bait, should the time come.
That was a good outing.  I legitimately lost the trail, but Ender's sharp mind found it in no time and I made sure to praise his keen leadership.