Thursday, July 03, 2014

the two people e walking by didn't notice her at first.

"oh my! theres a baby! I thought she was a yellow blade of grass"

when papa placed her in the irrigation, she immediately froze in this position.  only her eyes flickered in the frail summer wind. a fleck of sunshine that managed to hide in the dappled shade of a Chinese elm.

Saturday, June 28, 2014

Pretentious?  ha!  This girl has zero shame. She has nothing to prove to the world.  She is.  She just is.  I aspire to be like her.

A lover.  A healer.

Out in about, I am constantly held up because Cora has struck up a conversation with a passer by-er.  While Ender and I are debating and discussing why he should get this particular toy or snack, Cora is collecting a following of friends behind our shopping cart.  As Ender strategizes his next move I turn my attention to Cora and her new friend.

Its mostly cooing and waving.  Usually, they have made their way across the store to connect with her.  Because she caught their eye in the cereal isle, they met her at the check out line.

"She smiled and waved at me", they tell me.
"She looked into my eyes"
"She made my day"
"She is so happy"

When I was little, I entertained the idea of training my terrier to be a therapy dog.  I wanted to volunteer at a hospital or nursing home.  As it turns out, Shasta, didn't agree.

I have my therapy pup today though. 
Cora's spirit has touched so many stranger's lives.  People I would ignore, immediately judge, or hold a grudge against, she welcomes into her small and bright world.  She has no idea of their sins, of the darkness that could be held with in.  I lift my hands to God amazed.  Am I her mother?  I'm only an ignorant pilgrim who stumbled in the presence of an ancient sage. 

"What?!  She's whining and crying now?  She pooped her pants?  Let me grab the wipes.  Hold still Cora!"

Still a baby. 

Sassafras with Gigi
and with Grandma.

Friday, June 20, 2014

the Arborist

It was amusing, the way Zander obsessed over every detail of the young Velvet Mesquites we planted two February's ago. "Silly boy!" said I.  He poured over his library and internet research.  He wielded the small pruners like a Bonsai master.  He contemplated over the future of these trees.  He envisioned their role and purpose for our family and home.  He wanted them to bear pods for flour making, shade for the backyard, home for wildlife, and be aesthetically pleasing.  The way that boy fussed over these saplings. At first he made sure to tether them to stakes, giving them support as they bore the shock of their transplant into our yard.  Over time, he gradually loosened the tethers so the trunk and branches could flex against the wind and grow strong.  He made sure not to make erroneous cuts, structuring it mostly up.  But then he would noticed a unique branch that looked harmless, but interesting.  "Eh, we'll see what this guy wants to do.  It looks cool".  So he would leave it be and let it go on its natural way. His methods were his, not always/ever the prettiest, but always the most thoughtful. 

It dawned on me the other day.  He can't get away from his father's heart.  He is out there giving considerable thought to these trees and often stops to admire just how strong and beautiful they are becoming.   And so it goes with his children, his own little saplings.  He always carries with him  the pruners, knowing that every cut to a tree is a wound.  He doesn't use them without love and care.  He tethers Ender and Cora close to us, now, but is gradually loosening those so they too can flex against the winds and grow strong and confident. A breeze barely ruffles Cora's curls today, but eventually she could face a gale storm, but because of her daddy's tender and wise care, her roots will cement the ground she stands on and her strong body will bend but will not break.  They both will have that wild hair daddy let sprout, but will be mostly growing  up. 
I know our kids are getting the manliest of men to follow.  In one person, he packs patience, kindness, tenacity, confidence, humbleness, a genuine spirit, emotional and physical strength, adventuresome, love, hilarity, honesty, trustworthiness, faithfulness and eventually always a repentant heart.  He knows Whom he serves, so how easy is it for tiny people like Ender and Cora to feel safe and happy with their daddy.
Happy Father's Day to the legendary Zander.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Fathers Day Project Madness

Introducing three of the most obstinate, slap happy, independent, I'll do whatever I want- ers, wild punks!  I don't think my incessant shouting convinced them that the "photo shoot" was for a good cause.  Gunther's tail was suddenly the funniest floppiest appendage Ender had ever seen.  Cora constantly smells like old food (it gets stuck in the folds of her neck) so Gunther's brain was manically obsessed with trying to rid her of that problem.  My mom's iphone camera was helplessly slow in the nanosecond all three of them looked at the camera.  Oh and my poor, patient mother.  At the end of this Fathers Day photo session, all I wanted was to celebrate Mother's Day...again, every day, well...maybe, yeah every day.

*Special note to Zander:  this is not your Father's Day "clog" post.  relax, its coming

Thursday, June 12, 2014

morning in the garden

Cora picks only the green ones and feeds them to Gunther, of course. 

I was disheartened to learn that mature sunflowers do not follow the sun. Their beautiful manes remained fixed to the east.  If they did trace the glorious star across the sky, their faces would burn.

Shortly after we took this photo, the snail shell slipped from clumsy fingers and shattered into unrepairable pieces.  Ender melted into an oblivion of tears.  This is one of the many reasons I haven't gotten the courage to go introduce ourselves to the new neighbors.   We air our dirty laundry. Lots of crying, yelling, scolding of both the kids and zander, barking back at Gunther, offensive jokes from Zander (I'm sure) and so on and so on.  I've tried to keep it cool, but at the end of the day in June in Phoenix.... I'm a hot mess.

Thursday, June 05, 2014

Indoors.  One of the most frightening words for me to hear, let a lone be.  I'd much rather be outside all day long.  In a tree, on a walk, putzin around a garden.  But these days I'm indoors A LOT!  Naps, summer heat, no tree shade outside.  This summer I'm going to stop looking at my house as a house.  It is now our very secret hush hush hide out.  Basically, I am going to be asking my 9 year old self to babysit my kids.  Only very unruly things can come from this.  I don't think Zander is going to appreciate all the antics, but that makes it all the more fun.  Let the games begin!!

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Baby - goerge MacDonald

Where did you come from, baby dear?
Out of the everywhere into the here.

Where did you get those eyes so blue?
Out of the sky as I came through.

What makes the light in them sparkle and spin?
Some of the starry spikes left in.

Where did you find that little tear?
I found it waiting when I got here.

What makes your forehead so smooth and high?
A soft hand stroked it as I went by.

What makes your cheek like a warm white rose?
I saw something better than anyone knows.

Whence that three-cornered smile of bliss?
three angels gave me at once a kiss.

Where did you get this pearly ear?
God spoke and it came out to hear.

Where did you get hose arms and hands?
Love made itself into hooks and bands.

Feet, whence did you come, you darling things?
From the same box as the cherub's wings.

How did they all just come to be you?
God thought about me, and so I grew.

But how did you come to us, you dear?
God thought of you, and so I am here. 

George MacDonald, thank you!  From the get go, I knew Who my children came from and its always been fun entertaining ideas of their celestial flight here.  
If theres a mud pit, Cora can find it.  She enjoys wallowing her little piggies in the squishy mud.  Mud, one of many preferred mediums for children to unwittingly create their own happiness.
A neighbor has a pig in our hood and he is soooo cuuuute and ugly!  I think Gunther would fall in love.  There has to be some way for those two to become friends.  This afternoon, Gunther found a roach ( my hands shiver with disgust even as I type that disgusting word) and I couldn't figure out if he considered it "friend" or "play thing".  His clumsy paws were so gentle with the thing with cracker wings.  He would create a circular environ with his head and front paw and check on it every now and then to make sure it was still on its back.  Then Ender couldn't stand it any longer, "Gunther's friend is gross" he says and runs it over with his bike.  Crunch.

Friday, May 23, 2014

I closed my eyes and thought of me and I saw a huge ship, heavy laden with a predisposition, baggage, old dogs with old tricks,the girth of cold steel, cutting slowly across a vast ocean.  My bones creak and groan against the harsh sea winds.  I'm built to withstand an ocean that wants to catch me in its current.  In other words, its rare for something to come along and get me to change course.

I read this.THE ACHE

And it wasn't so much the call of adoption that affected me; I've always wanted that for my family, but that's another story.

I've been on this path of caring about my insecurities.
Caring that ender lets Gunther in the house with muddy paws.
Caring that I have no idea how to be a hostess.
Caring that I'm not trendy.
Caring that we can't afford preschool for our kids.
Caring that the walls of my rooms are painted  the color of a big toe.
Caring that Ender can be stand offish towards other people. 
All this caring left me angry and hateful.  Its been putting a strain on Ender the most.  His knowing eyes are innocently accusatory and rightly so.

This woman spoke of something other than me.  She put me on a rocket ship and launched me to such a height that I looked down and saw nothing of my selfish worries, cares or insecurities.  I did see the only thing that one can see at that elevation.  I saw people. I saw the only thing that matters to God.

I'm not certain how this translates from me to the rest of the world, but I don't care anymore.  I don't want to care.   All I want to care about is the people God has given to be under my care, namely my little ones.  Yet, even if I pass a stranger in the grocery store, they are briefly in the care of my words or facial expression.  I lay aside the messy house and inability to create pintrest worthy snapshot of my life. I take up the mantle of not caring, that is, not caring about my insecurities.   When something comes along that typically has the power to morph me into a wicked witch I say "I don't care about you" and poof! the spirit of the witch recoils. In terms Zander and every other "grown" man who still plays video games would understand, " I leveled up".  I acquired a weapon unique to my games's character that will help me fight in the battle of good versus evil.

And if it is only and all for my children, then so be it.

Friday, May 16, 2014


Everything about Cora is tiny (except her personality and belly).   Her room is tiny, too.  I especially don't mind this.  I love small spaces.  Your hedged into your small world, protected from the giants that roam.  In the morning the light makes a grand, but gentle entrance.
Her small room is just one manifestation of Cora's small and bright life.  
Last night she was running back and forth between zander and I planting her cold, wet kisses on our lips. From this little vessel I drink of God's eternal love and joy.  She is only human, though.  I think of her like the small faucet that is consistently open allowing water to pour out and flood the backyard garden.  She is not the source of water, but a conduit.  To be such a lowly device , always having the streams of living water flowing through you.
haha what a  ham bone.  

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Constant Companions

 Ender enjoys being apart of Cora's nap time routine.  Book, song, pacifier, then a nice long break from sister.   The other morning I put the kids in her crib to go to the restroom.  As I walk back, I am met by Ender who proudly announces "I put Cora down for you" .  Of course I don't believe him, but its true, she was falling asleep when I rudely interrupted.  Ender didn't mind doing her nap routine all over again with out me in the room.  That day he held his head high and was adamant about making sure Cora was well taken care of by replenishing her snack dish and interpreting her grunts and hand motions for me.
 Ender's shadow coloring,
 Cora's shadow stocking her prey.  She got him.  Tore his book and pinched his arm. 
"Mama, is Cora going to die?"

"No, why would you ask that?"

"Because she is a baby"

"Well, we don't have to worry about her dying"

"Not yet anyway..." he says with a side glance to sister who blinks innocently back at  us.

Not to worry folks!  His inquiry is only out of concern for her.

Tuesday, May 06, 2014

Trader Joe Stickers

In third grade, a group of girls had a Lisa Frank sticker club.  Gag me with all the pink ponies!  However.... your membership included a shiny green emerald of the sorts, probably plastic.  I reassured myself that indeed I did love pink!  I loved it enough to get my hands on one of those green gems those girls promised.  I joined, got my prize and like most clubs in the third grade, it dissipated and rematerialized into a pogs club or something.... I can't remember.

Anyway...I took the kids to Trader Joes and the cashier lady thought the kids would want some stickers.  She gave a set to Ender and one to Cora, who decided that she wasn't the sticker type so I was much obliged by her sharing ways.  So off beat and interesting, I think I'll hoard them for a while until I write a friend and use them to seal their envelope.  I'm big into sealed envelopes. 

Thursday, May 01, 2014

the jean jacket

 I didn't think Zander could get much happier.  I married him (ha!) I bore him two of the orneriest children, but it was another female dog (thats right I can be one of those too)  who sealed the deal and made his family complete.  A dog, specifically Gunther, truly the sweetest, tamest German Shephard you might come across.  Yes, he has destroyed my lavender, thyme, black button beauties, ender's flip flops, eaten his poop multiple times, nips at tiny bits of my skin (I think him and Cora are in cahoots), muddied my pretty dresses, steals Cora's pacifiers or receives them as gifts from her (again, in cahoots), chews on outdoor furniture, paints our white doors brown, attracts flies, phew, I can keep going, but I know Zander is reading this and is getting a little peeved.  But wait!  After all is said and done Gunther is healing.  He gets me out of my head, out of the world I live in where I have crowned myself queen of selfishness and predictability.  He is a constant companion to my days at home.  Such a loyal friend and he's just 4 months old. 

 Zander looks on with concern...........for the dog.

Communication at its best.  I think she wanted an orange.  If I guess wrong she slaps me in the face.  I have become pretty good as guessing/dodging the corporal correction.

**Uh, Um, Oh my.  I just realized I called Gunther a she. haha.  I was getting caught up in the moment of calling myself a female dog.  Gunther is quite the boy, I assure you. 

Saturday, April 26, 2014

Painted: An Adventure in Stop Motion Body Art


 "I could really get into body painting.  We should take a Saturday with the kids and do body paint, then take naps"- Zander

On the spot I came up with this elaborate story that would require the
focus and patience of a brain surgeon in active combat.  They wouldn't
last 5 seconds. Zander thought painting everyone's alter egos instead.


as Corzilla- pleasures in the destruction of small block cities and
pinching unsuspecting victims till they scream. (I'm not sure this is
her alter ego as much as it is true identity)

Ender as a Born-Again-Goliath - biggest baddest evangelical Christian

Leslie as a contortionist in Cique du Soliel

Zander as Wolfman- Um.. His choice.  Mine, well, Dog the Bounty Hunter

More inspiration.....

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

I saw Gunther affirm is devotion to the little cretin, Cora.  Ender accidentally pushed Cora down while swinging.  Knocked off balance and irritated she cried.  I asked Ender to apologize and help her up. He went to attempt a rescue, but Gunther bounded in between Cora, gently pushing Ender away from her with his nose.  He kept it up until Ender backed away and Cora found her own footing once again.
We have always laughed at the idea that Gunther is partial to her, but I never really saw it until then.
Thats Cora, you know.  She is a natural at life and relationships.
I was too forced with Ender.  I tried too hard to create his world, but his world was already there for his taking. Cora has shown me that I'm simply her bubble encasing her  as we  float whichever way the Wind blows.
Her life is worry free.  Her personality charms the sox off me.  She exists to be loved.  In a sense she is someone I want to be.  I want to exist to be loved and let the rest of life fall in line behind.  Her laughter transports me to another place where Time is not bitter, but a sweet,endless sea.  And she just came into being without me reading any  baby education textbooks, websites, or well meaning advice.  I hardly even prayed over her when she was incubating inside of me.  I ignored the wild imagination of God.  I knew He was up to something, but I didn't have time to give a second thought towards it. 
Ender as the firstborn got the short end of the parenting stick.  He had to absorb all my undue worry.  All is not lost though :)  His sister has come with a message from God and I'm all ears.  Ender has already tasted the good freedom of his parents choosing Love first.  Its our mantra, our battle cry.  Right now Cora is safe in her innocence.  The easiness of Love will unfortunately wear off and she will have to join us in the fight.  But I have confidence in our Creator to carry her through it. 
in the bunker, one of her favorite places to observe ender's antics.  gunther will often sit by her here.

he will endure her sharp claws and her futile attempts at being gentle when petting his head.

Tuesday, April 08, 2014

The spring came suddenly, 
bursting upon the world as a child bursts into a room, 
with a laugh and a shout and hands full of flowers.

I'm usually given a handful of mud or soggy crackers from Cora.  She is such a little thumbtack.
Last year, our barren yard had only a few wild flowers, which are miniature snap dragons. Truly, a flower that grows rightly well at the home of our very own Ender the dragon Slayer/Tamer.  Zander convinced me to let the scraggly things go to seed.  So I bore the silly humiliation of having our gravel yard dotted with dead weedy things.  He handpicked all the unwanted weeds and helped along the wildflowers to spread their love. I wasn't a believer in reseeding.  It just seemed too magical and not bought beautifully grown already from Bakers Nursery. 
Zander and nature proved me wrong.  Our yard was full of wildflowers. Yeah yeah yeah, from a distance it still looked like an unkempt lawn, but given a closer look, rainbows would suddenly splash through crushed granite and brick.
Flowers that just spring up seem like the friendliest kind.