Monday, April 07, 2014

I remember when I was a kid, I wanted to be a kid forever.  I especially thought that on stormy days when the whipped through my hair and I feigned illness to stay home from school.  I especially thought that when I babysat children younger than me.  I was also disillusioned about being a mom.  As I scoffed at other moms for being utterly boring (God forgive my puff and pride) I determined I would live a fantastic and free life with my future babies. 
When Ender came along, suddenly every mom I saw had my utmost respect regardless of lifestyle.  They were demigods, and I nearly worshipped them, in awe, wondering, how they ever did it!  The simple tasks in my life (getting out of bed, nursing ender, changing his diaper right after his circumcision) were miracles.   Every second of survival was triumph.  I loved being there.  The world was an inspiring place. 
Over time as Ender became more independent, I too became more independent of God.  Seriously, the media has taken over in defining me and placing value on me and my mothering.  I reek of false perceptions of the world.  Turn my heart inside out and its grotesque.
All this to say, I think I need to make some practical, seemingly small choices in my life.  For instance, adios Facebook.

Simple. Petty.  But so profound for me.  I'd like to be a kid again.  I know I'm not being clear in making the connection between childhood and social media, but I'm afraid I would get too wordy if I tried to type it out.  Besides, I'm not entirely sure myself. 

One Saturday morning, (I love Saturdays by the way.  Zander is home) we were listening loudly to music, as usual.  Zander turned on some Elvis song that he says will be his and Cora's song at her wedding.  Oh brother.  Anyway, he gets up to dance with Cora and Ender gets upset for whatever reason.
I explain,  "Ender, let daddy dance with his little girl.  One day she will grow up and get married and daddy just wants to practice dancing to their wedding song.  Like you, bud, you will grow up one day and leave us...."  What a sad thing to say to a precious three year old.

He immediately freaked out and ran to our room, slammed the door and threw himself on the bed, crying.  Realizing he's having an existential crisis, I try to clean up my mess. I tell him that its ridiculous to think any of us will ever grow up!  Because the more we grow big and strong in Jesus's arms, the more childlike we become.  Daddy and Mommy are children too. (he didn't like that though, too scary), but I just continued to ramble on about being a kid forever and because we have Jesus in our hearts/tummies, we will never have to be apart.  At some point during my spiel, he started laughing and all was well.

Ender climbs above our couch to escape Corzilla,

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