Friday, May 23, 2014

I closed my eyes and thought of me and I saw a huge ship, heavy laden with a predisposition, baggage, old dogs with old tricks,the girth of cold steel, cutting slowly across a vast ocean.  My bones creak and groan against the harsh sea winds.  I'm built to withstand an ocean that wants to catch me in its current.  In other words, its rare for something to come along and get me to change course.

I read this.THE ACHE

And it wasn't so much the call of adoption that affected me; I've always wanted that for my family, but that's another story.

I've been on this path of caring about my insecurities.
Caring that ender lets Gunther in the house with muddy paws.
Caring that I have no idea how to be a hostess.
Caring that I'm not trendy.
Caring that we can't afford preschool for our kids.
Caring that the walls of my rooms are painted  the color of a big toe.
Caring that Ender can be stand offish towards other people. 
All this caring left me angry and hateful.  Its been putting a strain on Ender the most.  His knowing eyes are innocently accusatory and rightly so.

This woman spoke of something other than me.  She put me on a rocket ship and launched me to such a height that I looked down and saw nothing of my selfish worries, cares or insecurities.  I did see the only thing that one can see at that elevation.  I saw people. I saw the only thing that matters to God.

I'm not certain how this translates from me to the rest of the world, but I don't care anymore.  I don't want to care.   All I want to care about is the people God has given to be under my care, namely my little ones.  Yet, even if I pass a stranger in the grocery store, they are briefly in the care of my words or facial expression.  I lay aside the messy house and inability to create pintrest worthy snapshot of my life. I take up the mantle of not caring, that is, not caring about my insecurities.   When something comes along that typically has the power to morph me into a wicked witch I say "I don't care about you" and poof! the spirit of the witch recoils. In terms Zander and every other "grown" man who still plays video games would understand, " I leveled up".  I acquired a weapon unique to my games's character that will help me fight in the battle of good versus evil.

And if it is only and all for my children, then so be it.

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