Funny Face

what are they looking at?

Peter John: my zander's best friend, cousin and confidant.  Possibly lover, but I don't think they appreciate that label.  Hey, I call it like I see it :)  Him and Katie raise quail now and gave us a beautiful bowl full of their freckled eggs. 

Peter John also has taken up carpentry and is becoming quite the skill master.  He carved the dreidel for ender and his cousin noah, mentioning he is going to do it every year for them.  A collection of handmade dreidels from Uncle PJ!  How unexpected and charming!  Let tradition live!

he's only almost three

Where did I get it in my head that you needed to behave like an adult?  And what is an adult anyway?  You scream at the tippy top of your tiny boy lungs and I can yell right back or point my finger like I believe it has wizard powers, or throw my hands in the air and neglect what could be a perfectly normal healthy interaction with a tantrum throwing two year old. 

Its because you confuse me kiddo.  You are so smart.  The concepts you get blow my mind.  Your vocabulary helps my mama mind not turn to mush.  You are so happy and funny and helpful and on point.  You love to sit quietly and read or dig in the dirt or build boats with your tools.  I think "here is my little man"  I will treat him like one.

But you're not a man, not yet.  So when you struggle to be the bright loving boy you are in this sinful flesh, I have little patience and high expectations.  I'm so sorry.  You are only almost three and I need to respect that.  God's grace goes beyond sufficiency to carry us both through the day.  Its are bread and butter to our relationship.  Thank you for showing me this. 

here you are looking too much like your Papa Toth.  its unnerving.  :)

A couple of weeks ago a monsoon paid a visit to our little home in the city.  I sat outside as long as I could.  Unlike last year, you were very brave and giddy to be out there.  You crawled all over me like a spunky spider.

Ender: "Mama.  I see a star"
Me:"You do?  All I see are clouds and lightning."
Ender:"I make a star"
Me:"How do you make a star Ender?"

He points to our neighbor's porch light.

Ender: "I squint my eyes like this.  See mama?"

He puts his scrunched up eye right up to mine.

Ender: "You do it"
Me: "Oh I see" 

I too squint my eyes while looking at the porch light.  And sure enough, the bulb fractures into a halo of light beams.  And a star is made.  Our storm star. 

Starting from seed is overwhelming and intimidating. 
Each seed has its own set of instructions and you feel that if you don't follow them to a T, then they will die to spite you.  There is pre-chilling, pre-soaking, a preference for light or darkness, and special temperature requirements.  Seeds are divas!  The information overload paralyzes me with laziness.

I'm feeling more and more empowered, though,  by "Nike"s overused slogan, "Just Do It"

I am more determined than ever to understand the death and resurrection of a seed.  Now, if Zander doesn't come along and sabotage my work.  He pokes and prods the babies after he handed over the reigns to me.  I need to hide the spray bottle because he gets trigger happy and over waters and we lost a few... that guy.

He is again outside, on his birthday, beating our ugly dirt into submission.  After this weekend, I will sow the carrots and swiss chard directly in the garden.  But the rest of the seeds/seedlings I will wait probably until the first week of October depending on the temperatures. 

And again, I will give Failure a big bear hug when it comes my way.  Failure and I will be intimately acquainted and it will tell me all its secrets.  Defeat the enemy Ender Wiggin style. 

 If you build it they will come"  Which is actually a misquote from Field of Dreams staring Kevin Costner (1989), so I'm told.  Rather, its "if you build it, he will come"  It makes no difference to me, he/she/they are all my fairies, wrens, butterflies, beetles, ladybugs coming to take up residency in our garden. 
I made a fairy garden for my 4 year old niece.  One night, I couldn't sleep because my mind was obsessed with thinking about all the miniature fairy furniture I could make.
Just googling "fairy houses" makes my heart skip a beat.  We are created in God's image.  A God who made our dwellings,  trees to climb, brooks to wade in, glades to meander through, caves to explore.... We love to create our own worlds too, just like our God.  Dollhouses.  Mr. Rodgers Neighborhood.  Narnia.  Lord of the Rings.  Its obvious, isn't it?
When I was little it was all about my snail beaches and going with my mom to the nurseries to talk to the gnome and fairy statues. 

Cora.  One morning when you wake up with the green canopy of Junipine over your head you will wonder about the little muddy footprints found on your pillow.   Your wondering will lead to your wandering, through blackberry bushes, past apples orchards, across babbling waters and with the curiosity of a child you will find a small door tucked into the roots of a very large sycamore.  Your eyes will open wide as the full moon as you realize what you just found. 

Our first friend has been a spunky little wren twittering around in our climbing fig.  Her quiet chirps are shouts of affirmation to zander's hard work in the backyard.  She has come to inspect and approves.  Our plot of beautiful land marred and sealed off by concrete is being rehabilitated and is slowly on the mend.  Zander is a determined.
My brain is bathed in images of polished homes and yards via the internet and magazines.  I grew up in a generation and am growing old in a generation with no patience and instant gratification.  This house is slowly healing my diseased mindset.

Pilgrims at Oak Creek

This is my look exactly "Are we crazy?!" as we abandoned are oven home to shades of cool green.   Zander and I were both grumpy old men.  Especially, him.  He had a rough week at work and couldn't shake it, not quite yet.  Two weary parents packing up and leaving feels ridiculously hard.  When we arrive at Junipine, Ender finally caught on that we were tired and he reacted most annoyingly.  It was my turn to take the high road and let Zander go for a walk. Meanwhile Ender and I hunted tigers, climbed "mountains", and watched the Berenstein Bears. 

When Zander returned from his walk, you'd think he met Jesus on the road to Damascus.  He was a new man.  He did, indeed, walk with God, but then he mentioned something about an herb... say what?!  that apparently took his migraine pain away. Um... lets just say the rest of our vacation was groooovy.  :)

No, he didn't smoke this herb.  In fact, I think it was just a random creek plant he rubbed between his fingers and smelled the fragrance.  However, now our fall garden is going to be stuffed with medicinal herbs.  Zander suffers from migraines and he wants to lower his Ibuprofen intake.

It just seems like the two of us basking in solitaire and love.  Really, a healthy dose of our family is also meandering around the orchard.  This explains why Cora and I are so happy.  To spend the golden hour with living, breathing treasures who on the majority justify picking peaches and apples when in the back of their minds they know better.  Its one of those gray areas in life where we seem to find some color. 

I'm not going to lie.  It takes me a hundred photos of Cora to get one where she is not blinking, smirking, cross eyed, or succumbing to the lazy eye.  But I should just probably post those anyway.... authenticity, right zander? 

Im getting so excited for this girl to grow up.  She loves to swing and spin and be thrown in the air.  I have big plans for us involving theme parks.  Ender can come of course.  We need someone to hold our purses and snow cones while we plummet and hurl our way down the rollercoaster rails. 

Cora: my dolly girl in a cabbage patch cap.
Ender: relaxing & looking a lot like zander.

katie is a big girl now.  she is officially a teacher and I am so impressed, but not surprised by her accomplishment.  and if you want to have the most creative and thoughtful pen pal, she's your gal.  katie lives here in arizona now, but I loved it when she went back to Chicago for the summer to visit her family.  I would spend hours of my day preparing homemade packages and letters to her.  We would send our penpal love back in forth to each other till she came back for fall semester.  she knows the lost art of letters and handmade gifts and encouraged me to preserve it in my own life.  I usually don't give gifts unless I'm "inspired" or motivated (?).  So when an idea is seen on the horizon of my very tired and busy mind,  I force myself to chase it down even its simple like a care package to a cute girl.

I found out how to do an embroider stitch that agrees with my impatient fingers.  I will probably be stitching everything in zander's closet now with his name or a desert animal and maybe throw in a little heart here in there.  I got to leave my mark on him when he goes out and I don't wear perfume.

When big brother naps, its our one on one time.  She is a delight and I love smearing her gooey smiles into my neck.

 

Zander says that she is a pretty cute kid.....when she doesn't smile.  "That's absurd, you monster!"-said the mother gushing with love and pride and pure devotion. 

Above is my "aha!" moment:)  Yes its true.  Her smile reveals her inner and true nerdiness.  But that's just okay.  I want our kids to be ultra nerds like their dad :)  And can we just use nerd and magical interchangeably?

6 months

Cora's jammies are drenched in wine color.  And if you could feel the material, have mercy.  Like a second layer of gossamer baby skin.  They are hand me downs from her cousin Isla, and I said "I must have her whole wardrobe in this material.  I'll pay anything!"  Well...almost anything.  I researched.  KickeePants brand would break the bank. 

Enough about money.  I'm in love. 

Safety First!

 

I couldn't resist this sequence of pictures.  Old man ender.  Even thought its blistering hot outside, at the end of the day zander works in the yard and I force ender out there with him.  This kid has dropped his nap.  He will sleep, perhaps, once a week for a solid 3 hours, like the good o'l days.  So, unapologetically, I'm eager to kick his tush out the door and put him to "work".   

Meanwhile, our most precious of all slugs rocks gently in the hammock.  Who is she?  Zander describes her as an essence, a presence, a spirit child.   She 14.6 pounds of a spring breeze.  Was her labor and birth an illusion?  A ploy the heavenly hosts used to sneak her in among the humans? Perhaps.  The fact that her farts really really stink, that she smells like cheese and that she sports a goopy left eye is all a disguise, I'm sure of it.  Zander & I are so blessed to be hosting a baby angel in our home. 

*Now, no one snicker or roll their eyes at us when she throws her first temper tantrum and refuses to eat the goodness on her dinner plate or bites her brother... we're enjoying our moment :)

adventure follows me home

 She is always so pleased to see him.  always.

 Fishing.  This is the bliss before the fall.  Ender was there high upon a rock one second, and the next he was down below flailing with the fishes.  I screamed hysterically and zander silently swooped in and pulled him out.  I guess it wasn't that big of a deal, but it could have been.  A cracked skull or too much water in the lungs.  Honest, though, when I looked down from the heights to see "what on earth happened to the boy?!", he was swimming-ish.  Keeping his head above water, but that's not the point.  I overestimated his cautious personality and took my eyes off of him to dote upon his cooing sister. 

 

Zander rigged up one of his classic ravine rope swings.  First, Ender was on Zander's back, but then we set him sailing solo.  He got a big kick out of it.  Its been so long since I had this type of adrenalin rush, so it was good for me.  Zander had to "nudge" me off the boulder, though.  He also "nudged" his dad too.  Ornery fellow that zander. 
Well, the pictures might not denote this, but the drop to the ground was plunging!  It took your stomach with you.

Its a bummer to leave vacation.  But I realize, that zander comes home with me.  And it is really him who draws out the magic and fun wherever we go anyhow.  This might be a little much, but humor me.  Its like, in the wake of his presence a portal to a better world is exposed and made passable.  What is interesting about it is that he is pretty much in this constant state.  Passionate people tend to have their dramatic ups and downs, but zander's passion is homeostatic, his internal environment is kept very stable.  Its incredible. 

*But just note: perfections is not his.  Its God's.  And zander has not yet arrived.   :) 

Deeper into Junipine we go

This trip was all about the boys.  I found my satisfaction through them.  Usually, I can scamper off on my own or with just ender, but behind the scenes I have the sweetest little toad that needs me very much right now. 

 

Here she is.  She ravaged me by night and healed me by day. (terrible night sleeper!- we are in the midst of remedying it) We had somewhat of a mini family reunion and while the cousins had free will to adventure on together, I wore the mantle of guardian to the little girl.  I had to swallow my selfishness and carry on. 

One bright morning, I strapped her to me and we went gathering for wildflowers and creek stones.  Her hands grasped at anything; she was eager to hold the world.  Overhanging branches, blades of grass, buzzing insects, she reached for them all.  She tried grasping for a slender sunbeam, but it slipped through her pudgy fingers and lighted upon her lips and so she smiles.  She smiles all day long.  My sweet cheesecake.  Her warmth is infectious and she soothes my aching soul.  I never dreamed a baby, my baby, could do this for me.  Shes a dream. 

So for now, my journey has come to a quiet pond.   Its here I am still with my babies.  There will come a time (a time that is speeding like a freight train towards me) where I will have to leave this place and no amount of "freedom" will compare.

Junipine

 

 

 

Emerald cathedrals and sandstone turrets, our palace. 
I have experienced this place as a youth and was in wonder at its quiet mystery.   Stories plain as day written on the rocks, laughing in the creek, singing through the canyon walls; a language  you could only slightly, possibly perceive with your spirit. 
Our children's existence has moved a part of us to the past.  Our history is coexisting with the timelessness of this place now.  Its becoming our children's time to be young in the old place.

*So, these are the only photos I have of our trip.  Don't freak out Zander, if you're reading this!  I think you could fix the problem:)  Because I see our photos one moment and then the next they vanish! 
Meanwhile.....our Leimgruber cousins!  These darling twins embraced Ender like a third brother.  Their missing triplet.  More photos of these boys to come, hopefully....